America Offline: Welcome Back to Reality!

Every day you hear more and more people talking about it. You hear about it at work, in restaurants, even on the bus. More and more Americans are discovering how much more free time they have, how much easier it is to manage their finances and personal & business relationships. They have discovered the joys of being...

O F F - L I N E

Our free software includes utilities to seek out and destroy all remnants of communications software on your computer (also works over a network). It even removes that pesky little winsock.dll from your hard drive once and for all! Say good-bye to the World Wide Web and hello to the friends and family you forgot you had! Our software, once run, remains memory-resident, and like a background virus checker, protects your computer from re-installation of telecommunications software.

Here's how the program works:

  1. First you run the good-bye letter generation program that automatically logs you into all your favorite on-line services and posts good-bye notes to the news groups and message areas of your choice. It encourages people to call or even write you if they want to talk to you, and lets them know that you're going to be okay, but that you're just going offline. (It even logs you into your favorite chat areas and makes witty parting comments, and leaves requests with systems administrators to cancel your account.)

  2. Our program recognizes every version of every known communications software package for DOS, Windows, Windows 95, Windows NT, OS/2 and Unix, (and there's even a special version for you Mac users).

    It will remove all of these programs and overwrite your hard drive with null strings so they can't be undeleted. And just so you don't try to sneak in through a back door -- like an automated check payment window in a program like Quicken -- our software also removes the serial communications abilities of all financial and related software.

  3. Hardware reconfiguration. Our software alters your system configuration so that no device that even remotely resembles a modem or other communications interface will ever work on your computer again. It installs a "listening program" as a permanent TST so that even if your computer somehow encounters a modem tone, it will immediately reboot, thereby keeping you effectively offline, even in a network environment.

  4. Hardware destruction. The next step is to destroy your modems. This is best done with a hammer. We recommend a hammer because we know you will start to feel, in that destructive release, the first real joy of your new life offline. With each crushing blow, we encourage you to think of the countless hours you've wasted, the completely irrelevant information you have gathered, and the many people who completely mis-represented themselves to you when you were online.

  5. Finally, our software brings you a brief lesson on meditation to help you begin to relax without being online. It also includes a list of things that you can do offline, like feeding your cat that you forgot you had, watering the plants, doing the dishes, seeing your friends in person, writing notes on pieces of paper, calling your parents on their birthdays instead of sending e-mail. The list includes more than 1,000 offline living tips.

We're sure you'll agree that this software is the best of its kind for getting offline quickly -- and staying that way!

To get your free software, please send a hand-written note to America Offline, Inc., 7489 Setting Sun Way, Columbia, MD 21046. Include a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

Please specify your operating system and 3.5 or 5.25 inch disks.

Note: Our software is not available on CD ROM, and we do not have a support BBS or a Web page or even a fax machine.

OUR SOFTWARE IS NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE. UPLOADING IT IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN!