America Offline: Welcome Back to Reality!
Every day you hear more and more people talking about it. You hear about it
at work, in restaurants, even on the bus. More and more Americans are
discovering how much more free time they have, how much easier it is to manage
their finances and personal & business relationships. They have discovered
the joys of being...
O F F - L I N E
Our free software includes utilities to seek out and destroy all remnants of
communications software on your computer (also works over a network). It even
removes that pesky little winsock.dll from your hard drive once and for all!
Say good-bye to the World Wide Web and hello to the friends and family you
forgot you had! Our software, once run, remains memory-resident, and like a
background virus checker, protects your computer from re-installation of
telecommunications software.
Here's how the program works:
- First you run the good-bye letter generation program that automatically
logs you into all your favorite on-line services and posts good-bye notes to
the news groups and message areas of your choice. It encourages people to
call or even write you if they want to talk to you, and lets them know that
you're going to be okay, but that you're just going offline. (It even logs you
into your favorite chat areas and makes witty parting comments, and leaves
requests with systems administrators to cancel your account.)
- Our program recognizes every version of every known communications software
package for DOS, Windows, Windows 95, Windows NT, OS/2 and Unix, (and there's
even a special version for you Mac users).
It will remove all of these programs and overwrite your hard drive with null
strings so they can't be undeleted. And just so you don't try to sneak in
through a back door -- like an automated check payment window in a program
like Quicken -- our software also removes the serial communications abilities
of all financial and related software.
- Hardware reconfiguration. Our software alters your system configuration so
that no device that even remotely resembles a modem or other communications
interface will ever work on your computer again. It installs a "listening
program" as a permanent TST so that even if your computer somehow encounters a
modem tone, it will immediately reboot, thereby keeping you effectively
offline, even in a network environment.
- Hardware destruction. The next step is to destroy your modems. This is
best done with a hammer. We recommend a hammer because we know you will start
to feel, in that destructive release, the first real joy of your new life
offline. With each crushing blow, we encourage you to think of the countless
hours you've wasted, the completely irrelevant information you have gathered,
and the many people who completely mis-represented themselves to you when you
were online.
- Finally, our software brings you a brief lesson on meditation to help you
begin to relax without being online. It also includes a list of things that
you can do offline, like feeding your cat that you forgot you had, watering
the plants, doing the dishes, seeing your friends in person, writing notes on
pieces of paper, calling your parents on their birthdays instead of sending
e-mail. The list includes more than 1,000 offline living tips.
We're sure you'll agree that this software is the best of its kind for getting
offline quickly -- and staying that way!
To get your free software, please send a hand-written note to America Offline,
Inc., 7489 Setting Sun Way, Columbia, MD 21046. Include a stamped,
self-addressed envelope.
Please specify your operating system and 3.5 or 5.25 inch disks.
Note: Our software is not available on CD ROM, and we do not have a support
BBS or a Web page or even a fax machine.
OUR SOFTWARE IS NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE. UPLOADING IT IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN!