condom(1) ********* Eunuch Programmer's Manual ********* condom(1)

Name: condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes

Synopsis: condom [options] [processid]

Description: condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, condom is the only highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed to condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). condom is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions...

When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or setiud(3), condom also prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, condom has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.

If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional 'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.

Note: condom may only be used with a hard disk. condom will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

Options: The following options may be given to condom:

-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows:

-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are: -f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported: -r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of condom against data passed to condom by the protected process. Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases condom's protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but also increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to condom will increase the chance of condom's failure. The default STRENGTH is 80%.

-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are:

Warning: The use of an external application to condom in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease condom's strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option.


condom terminates with one of the following exit codes:

Bugs: condom is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator General has deemed that condom is the most effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems.

Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must use sex(1), please employ condom to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.

See Also: celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)