Federal Bureaucrat Virus - divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Dan Quayle Virus - their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.

Paul Revere Virus - revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C:

Politcally Correct Virus - never calls itself a "virus" but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Right-to-Life Virus - Won't allow you to delete a file regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 2000 megabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 Meg, then slowly expands back to 2000 Meg.

AT&T Virus - every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI Virus - every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Ted Turner Virus - colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzennegger Virus - terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

New World Order Virus - probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Texas Virus - makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus - takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Freudian Virus - your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Elvis Virus - your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus - turns your printer into a document shredder.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - nobody can find it.

Star Trek Virus - invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus - tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and then sends you a bill for $4500.

Congressional Virus - runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

George Bush Virus - it starts by boldly stating, "Read my test...no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Mario Cuomo Virus - It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Michael Jackson Virus - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Terry Randle Virus - Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Congressional Virus 2 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

PBS Virus - Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Sears Virus - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

Gallup Virus - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Imelda Marcos Virus - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Nike Virus - Just Does It!

Kevorkian Virus - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Cleveland Indians Virus - Makes your 486/66 machine perform like a 286/AT.