Date: 2-NOV-1993 13:13 Expires: 16-NOV-1993 13:13


Description: a mildly amusing discussion of those round chewy things we take for granted...

Just a taste of the discussions going on at another school...

This came from my brother with the subject: Help!! My freinds have gone NUTS!!!

From: UNION::96_BACHMANS 14-APR-1993 22:52:43.30 Subj: utter nonsense

Have you ever seen a green bagel shine in the sun? Oh what a sight. There's nothing more majestic than catching a wild green bagel in the middle of its mating ritual. It is a very private species, though; you'll have a much better chance a seeing a common raisin bagel than the elusive green or the even more elusive blue polka-dot bagel. The only known blue polka-dot bagel in captivity escaped from the San Diego Zoo two years ago. It maimed two zoo-keepers and seriously injured another's feelings. They are a very unpredictable species. If you're going to be around bagels, especially wild bagels you should really try to stick with the more common, docile species like plain bagels, honey & raisin bagels, maybe an occaisonal garlic bagel. Blueberry bagels are very tame, too. In fact blueberry bagels would be the best choice if you were going to get a pet.



From: UNION::96_BACHMANS 15-APR-1993 12:45:13.92


Subj: more discussion

Unfortunetly, the wild blue polka-dot bagel is not a real species. Recent DNA testing of skin cells off the hides of those stuffed and kept in museums have shown it is nothing more than a hybrid. This new information has sparked a new dilemma in the scientific community: Should we restock the plains with this unpredictable creature now that we know how to breed them ourselves? Or should we let nature do her thing, if the blue polka-dot bagel was or is to be, than we should let the bagels breed. If there is a rise in the population, than the blue polka-dot bagel is the next in the evolutionary step, and if the population should drop, it is a Bagel whose time has passed. In your statement you say that the Garlic Bagel is a bagel that may be watched with some safety. It should be stated that due to their shedding year round, an encounter can be disastrous for one who is allergic. On a different note, I myself have found that the pumpernickle make marvoulus house pets, though an argument for the Blueberry can be easily made. It is personal preference I would think. (especially because a colleague of mine has a gaggle of Plains that roam his back yard)

I must run now, but I would like to discuss the re-introduction of blue polka-dot bagels with you at some later date.


From: UNION::COUNIHAE 15-APR-1993 15:31:33.70


Subj: RE: more discussion's my input. I would like you all to know that Blueberry bagels have been proven to be carriers of diseases that are incredibly hazardous to your health. They have recently been discovered as known carriers of the rare, but deadly disease of beezelpox. The disease starts in the digestive tract, then is carried along with the blueberry juice through your system, and begins to eat away at your gut, slowly and painfully, until one day, all of a sudden, your whole body turns blue, and bam! You're bagel history...

So, when searching for a house pet, I highly recommend the politically correct marble bagel, which blends very nicely with people of all ages and races!


From: UNION::96_BACHMANS 16-APR-1993 13:28:10.75


Subj: a forum on bagelry

An interesting discussion seems to have sprouted concerning which types of bagels indeed are the best pets. We have heard sponsors for blueberry, plain, onion, and pumpernickel, to name a few. I submit that there is no one perfect bagel for everyone. Your best bagel depends on your peronality, your interests, your hobbies, and your lifestyle.

For example, a garlic bagel is a very nice bagel, but due to its propensity to shedding it is often only appealing to those who live alone and rarely see visitors.

The plain bagel is often labelled as a boring, staid, middleclass, suburbia bagel. Few people realize that a bagel is what you make of it. With the assortment of spreads available today you can make a plain bagel into a new interesting, and exciting bagel. Try it, the bagel will thank you for it. You'll hear cries of "My, I LOVE what you've done with your bagel." It's a sure way to make the neighbors jealous.

So, in summary, there are many breeds of bagels out there, so try to experience them all before you decide which is right for you. And don't automatically count out the plain bagel, it has a lot to give.

From: UNION::96_BACHMANS 16-APR-1993 22:41:33.35


Subj: spread etiquette

Attention all bagel owners!! Recent delegations have recently done a survey of 10,000 bagels. Asking the question "How much spread is too little?" Many of the older species say that a spread should cover all revealing textures including that big hole in the middle, while the younger more daring bagels claim that they are being old shoes. "Why don't you live a little and show a little texture. If you got it, might as well flaunt it. Anyways, how else are you supposed to meet any decent owners anyways?"

So the poll goes like this...

And that concludes the bagel survey of the FCBA.

From: UNION::96_BACHMANS 17-APR-1993 14:24:54.23


Subj: more debate on spreadery

From: UNION::95_PRENDERG 17-APR-1993 12:27:12.02


Subj: Consider bagel attire...

Though cream cheese seems to be the spread of choice for most bagels, some feel that a translucent coating of melted butter exposing all crevices and bagel features is indeed a pure delight to the senses. These "bagel peepers" were once looked down upon by the rest of society until the early eighties when corruption of bagel morality crept into the American population of bagel lovers.

Soon, people began enjoying bagel peeping and late night bagel clubs became a popular place to hang out. Sayings such as, "Want me to split your bagel" began to show up at singles bars where men tried hooking up with spreadless bagels.

It was a sad time for anyone with bagel morals. In fact, our present economic condition can be attributed to these "bagel-peepers". But a change is underway folks and you can be part of it. Say NO to bagel-peeping! When you take a bagel out, make sure its covered with a thick coat of cream cheese or whatever spread tickles your fancy. The hole may be left uncovered. (Today's population would just not understand if something was not showing). Remember, if you treat a bagel with respect and understanding, you will gain the respect of your peers.

Greg (a member of the bagel lovers of America)

From: UNION::96_BACHMANS 18-APR-1993 10:28:49.89


Subj: A subtle hint from Eric

From: UNION::SEPLOWIE 16-APR-1993 14:24:47.11


Subj: RE: a forum on bagelry

Well I was just reading a new scientific journal this morning and found something that was related to this big bagel pet fetish that has been going on for a LONG while now. Well actually it wasn't a new article; it was just new to me. In fact it was REALLY OLD. It said something to the affect of Stale bagels can cause BLINDNESS and severe BOREDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Eric --