Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

A man in red Converse High Tops will accost you with a chain saw and threaten to lop off a body part unless you stop behaving like such an ass. You made a mistake in your checkbook, you incompetent idiot (it's 1994 now). Don't even think about romance this month, unless it's a book.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 31)

The stars look bright for you this month: but then again, they look bright to everyone this month because of the April sky. If you are thinking of travel, stop it. There is a disaster headed your way -- decapitation is inevitable. I'll give you a few days, maybe a week. Nice knowin' ya.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A woman named Bess figures into your future. You will find a two-dollar bill underneath a flat bicycle tire while walking a German Shepard through a suburban area in a borrowed raincoat. Your lucky numbers this month are irrational, as are you.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Don't attempt any risky financial gambles or investments of any type. Don't communicate with family members and friends, as this could cause friction. In fact, don't even leave your house, you spineless wonder. What are you relying on a horoscope for anyways?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Prospects look excellent this month, for all your friends, that is. For you they suck. A Capricorn or Moon Child will figure heavily into your future, especially if they are obese. Avoid one-on-one conversations with anyone named Kaiser, as they will turn out to be a roll.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

You will find things very topsy-turvy this month. You will reach great heights, only to have your hopes smashed as you fall down faster than the way you went up. No matter where you start, you will always end up in the same place, and all the while people will be screaming at you. This is probably due to the fact that you are a roller-coaster at Cedar Point.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Moon children will have a very boring month because they are on the moon with nothing to do but sit around and get high and look at weird shadows on the earth and play in the craters. Your lucky number this month is one-sixth.

Leukemia (July 22 3pm - July 22 4pm)

You will have a promiscuous month, as the orientation of the sun, the moon, and Harold's red Volkswagen create a peak of sexual arousal. But beware, for your urges will be hard to control, especially after a few beers.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Cindy called at about 4 o'clock. She said for you to meet her in front of Burger King tonight at around seven, and bring her notebook. Don't forget to clean the kitchen. See you when I get back from Key West. Fred.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A man in a blue sequined jacket carrying a Dustbuster will scratch your brother on the forehead and write Latin phrases on the wall in ketchup while gurgling Pepsi and standing on a makeshift stool of four encyclopedias and an almanac. Beware of verbs.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)

You will have a bizarre dream in which you will be marooned on a desert island. The only food you can find is spray cheese and microwave pizza. You have been stranded with a tape player and a single tape -- Al Yankovic's Greatest Hits. But then you wake up in disgust, for it's only a dream.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 38)

Because of the rare alignment of the planets, you will perish by annihilation from some natural death ray on the seventeenth of this month. Your future appears vague, as is your head, you mud-sucking sewer vermin.Idaho (November 21 - November 18) Potatoes figure largely into your destiny this month. Stay away from french fries, potato chips, those little Mr. Potato head dolls, and any presidents who are still alive. A famine is approaching.

Sagittarius (November 21 - December 21)

A man in a red and white suit with a beard will harass you by placing your children upon his knee and demanding their unvoiced desires. This can be avoided by staying away from crowded places, like malls. Stay away from Rubik's Cube, unless you like headaches.