Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
A. My ex-widow said it.
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she
did!
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
A: The victim lived.
A: No, I just lie there.
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
Q: Are you sexually active?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?