A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, VERTEBRATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED


ELEMENT:

FEMALE HUMAN

CHEMICAL SYMBOL:

WO

DISCOVERER:

Adam

ATOMIC WEIGHT:

Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 (Mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.)

OCCURRENCE:

Surplus quantities in all urban areas

APPROVED FORMULA:

36:24:36

USES:

  1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
  2. Most powerful money reducing agent known
  3. Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous source of frustration

PHYSICAL PROP.:

  1. Surfaces usually covered in painted film
  2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
  3. Melts if given the proper treatment
  4. Bitter if used incorrectly
  5. Found in various states ranging from common ore to virgin metal
  6. Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes
  7. Yields to pressure applied at correct point
  8. In its natural state it varies considerably, but the shape is often artificially changed to conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are only discovered by an experienced eye
  9. In some instances may start to gain weight and look like they have swallowed a basketball and then proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and start to make copies

CHEMICAL PROP.:

  1. Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
  2. Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
  3. May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male
  4. Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol
  5. Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed in the dark

TESTS:

  1. Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the natural state
  2. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen

CAUTIONS:

  1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be used with great care and patience if experiments are to succeed
  2. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen but a certain amount of exchange is permissable
  3. When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY.

Henry Cate III