A fencer once stepped off the strip after a particularly fast and furious
bout in which he had decisively beaten a much higher-ranked opponent. "Gawd,"
he said to everyone, "that was better than sex!"
But was it? Can fencing and sex really be compared? How are they the
similar? How do they differ? Is it possible that fencing could indeed be
"better than sex"? These were the questions people began asking. A team of
researchers was hastily assembled and immediately embarked upon an exhausting
program of study, the result of which is the following:
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FENCING AND SEX
- Even ugly fencers score regularly.
- In fencing you have a coach to tell you what you're doing wrong, and you
get to practice first before trying it out for real.
- You can fence with strangers without getting a bad reputation and you don't
have to spend $30 in the bar getting to know them first.
- You are not being insulting if you insist that your fencing partner wear a
- No one expects a fencing bout to last much longer than two minutes and you
don't have to worry afterwards if the other fencer enjoyed it or not.
- In fencing you don't have to get your own equipment until you decide
whether or not you like it.
- You usually fence in a big, brightly lit room with lots of people in it.
- The person you're fencing with won't mind if your buddies stand around and
cheer for you.
- Whips are normal in fencing.
- It doesn't hurt if someone steps on your foil.
- It is almost impossible to catch a disease from a fencing foil.
- You can play with your foil in public and no one will laugh.
- If your foil gets a funny bend in it all you have to do is run it under
your foot a few times.
- No one cares how long your foil is, and if it breaks you just go get a new
- It is easy to get pretty girls to hold on to your foil.
- Finally, and perhaps most significantly, in fencing if your opponent
doesn't come, you win.