A young Italian went to the KFUM Hotel in London on his vacation. However he felt that he was treated badly in this hotel. Here is the letter he wrote to the manager:

Dear Signore Direttore,

Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a younga Christian man at your hotella. When I comma to my room I see there is no sheet on my bed.

So I calla down to receptione and tella--"I wanta sheet."

They tella me --"You go to toilet."

I say--"No, no you don't understanda me. I wanta sheet in my bed!"

"You better not sheet in your bed, you sonna-wa-beach!"

What is sonna-wa-beach?

I ago downe for breakfast in ristorante. I order egg and bacon and two pieces of toast. I getta only one piece of toast. I tella waitress and point at toast--"I wanta piece!"

She tella me--"You go to toilet."

I say-- "No, no I wanta piece on my plate!"

"You bloody wella not piss on the plate!" she screams. "You go to toilet!"

Why is your staff always saying "Go to toilet?" Is that modern British tella? You know, I am 23 years old and I knowe for myself when I wanta to go to toilet.

Then in the evening I ago downe to ristorante for dinner. Spoon and knife is laid out on the table. But no fock. I tella waitress--"I wanta fock!"

And she tella me--"Sure, everyone wanta fock."

I tella her--"No, no you don't understanda me. I wanta fock on the table."

"So you wanta fock on this table? Get your ass out of here!"

How comma this Christian hotella tella the guests in such a bad manner?

So I go downe to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotella no morro. When I have a-paid the a-billa the portier say to me-- "Thank you, and peace on you."

I say-- "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-beach, I now go back to Italy."

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no morrow, you sonna-wa-beach."


Luigi Brampiano, Roma.