Give Yourselves a Hand

excerpted from

"Kids Who Eat Paste"

performed by

The Brunching Shuttlecocks

written by

Lore "Cosmic Slug" Shoberg

Scene: A podium, with the Presidential Seal and a few microphones on it. BARBARA BUSH is standing at the podium as lights come up.

BARB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press. As you know, I have recently replaced Nancy Reagan as First Lady and role model for the youth of today. Because of this, many people have been asking me, "Barbara, what do you have to say to contemperary teenagers? Nancy had `Just Say No,' what message do you have?" Well, "No" is such a... negative word. I'd rather give kids "dos" than "dont's". Do recognize your right to pleasure, but do protect yourselves from all the horrible things that can happen to you. In short, DO whack off.

I think that it's high time the people of America realized what a boon jerking off can be! And not just children, either. Why, when George wants some nookie, and I don't, he just turns over and slips himself the four-fingered practice tunnel, and our problem is solved.

It's so easy, and people should realize that solo sex is the safest sex. Next time you feel like consorting with someone of questionable sexual background, just pop into the nearest bathroom, pull down your pants or pull up your skirt, and do some exploring, and in no time you'll be satisfied!

I just want to say: boys, choke that chicken! Girls, shake hands with that pink satin ski slope! In short, Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(A banner unfolds behind her, reading "Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!" A ROCKER jumps on from offstage, dressed like a conservative middle-aged woman might imagine the average rock star to look like, i.e. combining Heavy Metal, Punk, and Top Forty in a thouroghly atrocious style. He sings the following song.)

ROCKER:

You don't need to use a condom

You don't need a dental dam

You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."

Don't need to spring for dinner,

Or wear all that sexy stuff

All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff

'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land

Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

It's natural, and organic

It's easy and it's fun

If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done

You don't need a special licence

You don't need a special skill

Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill

'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,

Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)

You can do it in the bathroom

You can do it in your bed

You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead

You can rub it with some lotion

You can stroke it with a cloth

Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off

Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.

Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand

Lights go down as ROCKER bows to the audience.