The 9 Types of Girlfriends

• Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"

  Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat

  Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

  Disadvantages: May wise up someday

• Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

  Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

  Advantages: Pays attention to you

  Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

• Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"

  Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

  Advantages: Predictable

  Disadvantages: Contagious

• The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

  Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom

  Advantages: Often right

  Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

• Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

  Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey

  Advantages: Easily soothed

  Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

• Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

  Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

  Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

  Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

• Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"

  Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly

  Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

  Disadvantages: You will have no friends

• Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"

  Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

  Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

  Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

• Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"

  Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

  Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

  Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

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