Lyrics copyright 1993 by Joel Polowin. Music: "Officer Krupke" from
West Side Story, by Leonard Bernstein.
Picard: Attention, Captain of Klingon vessel!
Klingon: Who, me?
Picard: Yes, you. Explain your presence in this system. Is there any
reason why I should not tow you back to the nearest starbase?
- Dear kindly Captain Picard,
- You gotta understand --
- We grow up on unspeakar-
- Ble tales of Kahless' Hand.
- Our Moms throw heavy objects,
- Our Dads throw heavy blows.
Klingon: There is good!
- And we all get rust-stains from our clothes!
- Gee, Captain Picard, we are very upset;
- It's bad to grow up with a lobster on yer forehead.
- We ain't homicidal, we're misunderstood.
- Deep down inside us there is good!
Picard: That's a pretty pathetic explanation.
- There is good, there is good,
- There is untapped good.
- Like inside, the worst of us is good.
Klingon: Ain't it though? You should hear the Romulans. [jerks a thumb
Worf: Sir! Romulan warbird de-cloaking off the port bow!
[Red lights, diverse alarms, shields raised. Romulan commander appears on
- My dear Picard, you wanna
- Hear tales that really reek?
- We used to all have honor,
- But now we lie and sneak.
- We all grow up dishonest,
- With intrigue all around --
- Our home planet's name keeps switchin' round!
- Yeah, Captain Picard, you are really unkind,
- We Rihannsu are compulsively dishonest, you'll find.
- We can't help we're raised to be twisty and curved --
- We're psychologically disturbed!
- We're disturbed!
Picard: "Romulans"? But your commander just called you -- I'm SURE I
heard him say "Rihannsu"?
- We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
- We're the most disturbed.
- Us Romulans are mentally disturbed.
Romulan: But did you hear correctly? Am I twisted, or are your
Picard: Well, granted, my hearing's not as good as, say, a Ferengi's,
Ferengi: [appearing on screen] You rang?
- My Dad does speculation,
- My brother's into stock;
- They pawned all my relations
- To get Mom out of hock.
- They sold me to a circus,
- Said "Dumbo" was my name,
- Big-ear Trauma, they're the ones to blame!
- Yes, Captain Picard, we are tired of the role;
- If it isn't the ears, you're calling all of us "trolls"!
- We must have your women, it's not that were sick,
- Just that we are all socially thick!
- We are thick!
Picard: So it's not that you need your ears shrunk, just that you need your
skulls thinned down? I'm sure that our medical staff could arrange something
- We are thick, we are thick,
- We are thick thick thick,
- Like we all are socially real thick!
Ferengi: Ooh, the red-headed female hu-man? I bet SHE treats diseases...
Data: Sir, another vessel is approaching. Very large... configuration...
Picard: Oh, merde.
British peers: [teleporting in] That word is French!
Borg appears on screen:
- You used to be Locutus
- But then you got away
- We ask that you not shoot us
- Until we've had our say
- You parsed our Prime Directive,
- To "Go ASSIMILATE!":
- 'It makes an ASS of 'IM, and makes MI LATE!'
- Gee, Captain Picard, you are really a pain,
- And if that didn't give us enough strain on the brain --
- Our internal com-net is coming unglued,
- It keeps on repeating "I am Hugh!"
- "I am Hugh!"
Klingons: The trouble is we're bullied.
- WE ARE HUGH! WE ARE HUGH!
- WE ARE ALL NAMED 'HUGH'!
- IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT WE ARE HUGH!
Romulans: The trouble is we cheat.
Ferengi: The trouble is we're ugly.
Borg: WE ALL THINK HUGH IS NEAT!
Data: Why are they all singing?!
Worf: Their trouble is, they're STRANGE!
Picard: STOP IT, Q!
- Captain, can't you help us make a change?
- Gee, Captain Picard, we are down on our knees,
- No one believes in villains with behaviour like these!
- Gee, Captain Jean-Luc, what on Earth can we do?
- Oh, Captain Picard --
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