To the tune and general meter of "I can't Drive 55"

I can't Thrive at Warp Five (With apologies to Sammy Hagar)

One hand on the console, and one on the gas, no!

If there's a subspace rift, I can't pass, no!

So I try my best to stay sub-light, a big cloaked

WarBird comes and ruins my night again ... oh yeah.

Go on and write me up for warp 8 point 5

Post my face "Wanted dead or alive"

Jerk my commission, all that jive...

I can't thrive ... at warp fiiiiiivvvvvvveeeeee!

When I cruise that slow it makes me shake with rage, no!

Makes it seem kinda dumb to say "Engage!" Yeah!

When Lwaxana Troi's on my starship ... Hah!

Y'know I need high warp just to shorten the trip, oh yeah!

Go on and put Wesley Crusher in my bunk,

Make me fly that Ferengi junk

The fun's all over when I arrive,

I can't thrive ... at warp Fiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvveeeeee!

So I get my butt chewed at Starbase 4, no!

And the admiral says, "Baldy, just one more!"

I'm gonna reassign you to Deep Space Nine", looked me in the

eye, said, "This directive's prime!"

I said, "Yeah ... oh, yeah?"

Go on and give Will Riker my command,

Stick me with Guinan for a one-night-stand.

Implant Borg stuff and make me 2 of 5,

I can't thrive ... At warp Fiiiiiivvvvveeeeeeeee!