Simpson's quotes

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

-- Homer

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back -- or you can go out there and find your dog.

-- Homer

Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
--Milhouse, "The Canine Mutiny"

Don't worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.

-- God, ``Homer the Heretic''

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
-- Homer Simpson, ``Homer the Heretic''

Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?

Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.

-- Always have a backup plan, ``Homer the Heretic''

And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!
-- Homer, ``Homer the Heretic''

I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

-- Homer J. Simpson

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle! They're on TV!

-- Homer Simpson

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

-- Homer

"It takes two to lie.One to lie and one to listen."

-- Homer J. Simpson

"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

-- Homer J. Simpson

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

-- Homer J. Simpson

Mr. Burns: "I specifically said no geeks."

Milhouse: "But my mom says I'm cool."

"It's ok, kids, you tried your best and you failed. The lesson is: never try."

--Homer J. Simpson

"That's it Lisa. Why compete with someone who is just going to kick your butt anyway"

--Bart

(in spanish accent) "In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the

women"

--Homer J. Simpson

You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

-- mayor quimby

"God has no place within these walls (school), just like facts have no place within organized religion!"

-- Superintendent Chalmers

Homer's Brain: "Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll think you're stupid."

Homer: "Takes one to know one!"

Homer's Brain: "Swish!"

- Conversation around the TV

"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and weird. It'll happen to YOU!"

--grandpa

"How can you say anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little."

-- Homer

"Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy."

-- Homer

"Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye."

-- Homer Simpson

Lisa: The second amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary periods, it has no real meaning today

Homer: You couldn't be more wrong Lisa. If I didn't have this gun the King of England could just come in here and start pushing you around. Do you want that, well do ya?

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

-- Homer J Simpson

"Ok, brain let's get things straight. You don't like me, and i don't like you, so let's do this so i can go back to killing you with beer."

-- Homer

Marge: "Homer, you don't think what we're doing is wrong do you?"

Homer: "Honey, I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong."

"But Marge, maybe for once someone would have called me sir without adding 'You're making a scene'"

-Homer

Milhouse: Why don't we put it on the internet?

Bart: No, we need to reach people whose opinions really matter

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs."

-- homer

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

-- Homer

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'

Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

-Homer

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

-- Homer