Stop Wasting My Time, ESPN

On the chopping block today are sports reporters. I’m tired of this thing they like to do where they ask a question that 1) has nothing to do with sports and 2) is guaranteed to get one and only one answer regardless of the truth. It’s bad enough that they do these things separately, but then they’re both happening at once, it really bothers me. For example, two weeks ago, reporters asked Nick Saban, the coach of the Miami Dolphins, if he was interested in taking a job at the University of Alabama, who were rumored to be interested in him. He said, rather bluntly that “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.” Today, he accepted the job, and ESPN.com reported that he had “reversed field” on the Dolphins by doing so. What did these people honestly think he was going to say with two weeks to go in the season? “Yeah, I’m ditching you losers for a better offer.” “You know I really don’t like this team very much.” It’s his job to lie there, so they can’t honestly accuse him of doing anything bad. The problem is that this question was even asked in the first place. It’s a waste of time, not to mention the fact that when they were asking this question two weeks ago it had no bearing whatsoever on anything that would happen in sports for another 8 months or so. That’s next season, and I assure you there’s plenty to report on this season still.

The same thing is happening with Bill Cowher, the coach of the Steelers, who they suspect might retire. They ask him over and over about it, and all he says is “I’ll make up my mind one week after the season.” So, that’s it – there’s no story until he announces it. But no, they bring on a football expert to talk about whether or not he’ll retire. Now as a side note, explain to me how a football expert should know anything about a coach retiring. It’s not a football decision – it’s a life decision. Nobody’s questioning his ability to coach, nor how good his team will be. He’s going to sit down with his family, presumably, and decide what’s best for him. Not for his team. But surely enough, our “expert” makes a confident assertion that he thinks Cowher will retire. Now maybe that’ll prove to be correct (it did) – I just don’t see why this person should know any better than anyone else, nor why anyone should care about this story before it even happens. Are there really people so eager to bet on next season that they need to guess if this guy will retire or not right now? There’s no story here people - it’s not news. It’s a waste of TV time.

I guess my real point is this. Stop writing about things that might happen, or could happen next season, or trades that are in the works. News is telling me what HAPPENED. The following is a list of words that should be forever banned from news: could, might, perhaps, may, may well, maybe, possibly, probably, thinking about, considering, pondering. I’m sure there are more, but that’s all I could come up with off the top of my head. How could it possibly matter to me, a sports fan, that my team is thinking about making a trade, or considering resigning a player, or is possibly going to fire the manager. I want to know when my team MADE a trade, FIRED the manager, SIGNED the player. Note the past tense in all of these. News ain’t about the future, people, and I’m tired of it. There’s plenty of time for me to talk about all these things with my sports fan buddies after they happen. We don’t need to know before that.

Lest you think I’m just mad at sports newscasters, regular news is equally guilty of this crime against society. But, since I don’t really watch the news, I didn’t have any good ammunition to use. But be warned, regular news - you may be next.