(By Buck Stephens, PhD, Needmore, Arkansas)Adenoid: to be irritated. "Ma gets real adenoid ever time Ded and Granpy leave beer cans on the front porch."
Anesthesia: Walt Disney movie about a Russian princess.
Antiseptic: activist pro-sewer group. "Mildred was leadin the push for new built-in sewers, so she formed our local antiseptic group."
Anus: licorice-like. "Granny uses anus spice in her cake icin' to make it taste liquory."
Appendix: to put into pens, as in "We gotta appendix the pigs from the field now."
Arrhythmic: bad with music, can’t carry a tune.
Atrium: devour. "Once some fox’s got inta Granpy’s chickn’ coop, killed a bunch a birds, and atrium all up."
Bacilli: all the windowsills on the back of the house.
Bronchus: rodeo rider. "During the rodeo at the state fair, we get a lot of bronchus riders from all 'round the South."
Bucchal: a GM car, as in Bucchal LeSabre.
Cerebellum: belle of the county. "Sara McCoy was so beautiful and personble that most folks called her the cerebellum of Lee County."
Cholesterol: a bag. "Granpy once had a gut operation and had to wear a cholesterol bag fer two months."
Chronic: a bird problem. "Farmer Clem down the road says he got a chronic problem 'cause the crows keep landin’ in his corn field and takin’ nicks out.a ears a corn."
Collateral: a vegetable, as in "ham hocks and collateral greens."
Colon: applying color with crayons.
Confluency: secessionist Southern states. "Great granpa Lester Poundstone fought in the Civil War for the Confluency."
Consummate: letter of the alphabet other than the bowels a, e, i, o, u, y.
Corneal transplant: moving corn stalks from one row to another.
Coroner: where the roads intersect.
Corpuscle: next military step up from private. "After he was in da Marines for ten years, Young Jeremiah McCoy got promited to corpuscle."
Cortex: divorce-court proceeding. "When Aunt Myrtle was divorcin’ her ex-husband (X-ray), she had to go to a lot of cortexes."
Crematorium: where they make liquid diarrhea products.
Dermatitis: attack of wood-eating insects. "Granpy’s barn was once attacked by dermites, so he had to hire a sprayer to get rid of dis dermatitis."
Diarrhea: similar to crematorium, where they make products from milk.
Digital rectal exam: diagnosis of a damaged computer. "The short wrecked the computer in Ded’s new truck, so they had to do a digital rectal exam to fix it."
Disorder: take-out order at Burger World. "My number is 86 - is disorder ready yet?"
Dyslexia: Japanese car problem. "Mayor Barnes’ old Lexus car keeps breakin’ down 'cause its got serious dyslexia."
Electrocardiogram: alternative-fuel, clean-running automobile.
Echogram: noise in a canyon. "Wen we go a hikin’, brother Jed likes to yell in the canons so he can hear his echogram."
Expectorant: state of high anticipation. "Brother Jed was so expectorant of his date with Peggy Sue that he could hardly eat any supper."
Ganglia: tall and skinny. "Cousin Jethro wen’ off to college and played basketball 'cause he was so ganglia."
Gastric: fuel system. "Granpy put some rotten gas in his ol’ tractor and messed up the gastric system."
Genome: an acquaintance, as in "I just herd that ol’ man Smith died, did genome?"
Hippocampus: stationary herd of hippos.
HIV: skin disorder. "Ma gets this skin rash that’s called hivs."
Iodine: dying. On his death bed, Granpy said we should all stay around with him 'cause "I feel like iodine and goin’ to haven."
Laryngeal: movie and TV star, Laryngeal Lamas.
Liposuction: treatment of a snake bite. "When Billy Bob was bit by a moccasin, Ded had to give him liposuction to get the venom out".
Lymph: a bad leg. "Farmer Clem once hurt his leg in a corn harvester, so now he walks with a lymph."
Mammaries: things remembered. "Granny says that since she’s gotten really old, her mammaries aint as good as they used to be."
MAO inhibitor: protester of the Chinese Communists. "The old Chinese guy down the street used to go to the capitol to be in parades 'gainst the Commies in China, so he got the repetition a bein’ an ol-time Mao inhibtor."
Midwife: the second of three wives. "Uncle Pete has been married three times. He’s married to Geraldine now. Katie Lou was his first wife. Mable was his midwife."
Miscarriage: a bad ride. "Ma went to the city with a friend to shop, and the cab driver got lost for a half hour. She says it was the worst miscarriage of her life."
Otitis: deceased rock star, Otitis Redding.
Ovaries; above the limit. "Billy Bob was fired from his job at the meat packin plant 'cause his one-pound bacon packages had too many weight ovaries."
Pathogen: route to the moonshine still.
Penus: really not nuts, but tubers.
Pharyngeal: movie and TV actress, Pharyngeal Fawcett.
Pleural cavity: bad teeth. "Ma took me to the dentist 'cause I had all these holes in ma teeth. The dentist said I was the worst pleural cavity case that he seen in a long time."
Proctologist: head doctor. "Ma took me to see the school proctologist when I was a kid 'cause she thought I had lernin disbilties."
Prostate: belongings of someone who has died. "When Granpy Jonas died, Ded had to get a prostate lawyer to take care of all his land holdings in Lee County."
Pruritis: writers block.
Psoriasis: eye problem. "Once I got poked in the eye with a stick and had a psoriasis for a couple weeks."
Psychotic: an avid bike rider. "Cousin Jethro is a psychotic 'cause he rides his bike so fast and near runs people down."
Ritalin: exchanging stories, riddles, etc. "Granpy Jonas and Ded used to sit evenin’s on the porch drinkin’ moonshine and ritalin."
Psychologist: fixer of bicycles. "Brother Jed took his trail bike to the shop to see the psychologist 'cause it wouldn’ shift no more."
Scalpel: what Indians used to do to white men. "Injuns used ta scalpel the cavalry sutures that they killt."
Sinew: bad behavior. "Preacher says too many sinews and ya might die and go to heil."
Sinus: to enroll. "Ded went an’ sinus up fer dish TV."
Stethoscope: automobile diagnostic. "Jimmy Bob at the gastric station had to put ma car on the stethoscope to see why it was runnin’ bad."
Stratum corneum: symmetrical corn rows. "Farmer Clem always plants his corn crop in nice straight stratum corneums."
Surgery: sweetness. "The lid fell off the sugar bowl, so my coffee was too surgery to drink."
Suture: military fighting man. "Young Jeremiah McCoy always wanted to be a foot suture, so when he growed up ’nough, he joined up to the Marines."
Testicles: touches to see if your date is ticklish.
Tomography: the study of tomatoes. "Brother Jed went to a tomography class at the ag extension to lern how to grow bigger tomaters in Ma’s garden."
Tonsil: one windowsill.
Tympanic: orchestra. "Ma and Ded once went to Lil’ Rock to a tympanic orchestra concert."
Vagina: one of the original 13 colonies. "The Hatfield family down the road just picks up one day and moves to Richmond, Vagina."
Ventricle: vent hole. "Granpy put more ventricles in the chickn’ coop to give 'em more cool air."
X-ray: Aunt Myrtle’s ex-husband, named Ray. According to Myrtle, "My X-ray was a low-down, good-for-nutin, lazy drunkin bum."