Little suet-filled sponge cake crisco log,
Now I know just what you are."
"Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, or Food?"
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual
physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to
the following experiments:
Twinkie was left on a ... window ledge for four days, during which time an
inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the
Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons --
avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its
original color and form. When removed ... the Twinkie was found to be
substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the
consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of
artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid
smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10
seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven ... a
second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment ... this Twinkie leaked
molten white filling ... when cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the
Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of
a butter knife.
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up ... then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to
the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside ... otherwise, the Twinkie
remained structurally intact.
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal,
the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed" .. the filling was found to be the approximate consistency
of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously
absorbed freezer odors.
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked
and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie
did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma
noticed during the irradiation experiment.
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The Twinkie
floated momentarily, began to list and sink ... viscous yellow tendrils ran
off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluable artificial
coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its coloring
was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that
surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture.
After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent
of its original size ... the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped
spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure ... the Twinkie disintegrated into an
amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
... the Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie
as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite
conclusions can be drawn.