"Kids Who Eat Paste"
The Brunching Shuttlecocks
Lore "Cosmic Slug" Shoberg
BARB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press. As you know, I have recently replaced Nancy Reagan as First Lady and role model for the youth of today. Because of this, many people have been asking me, "Barbara, what do you have to say to contemperary teenagers? Nancy had `Just Say No,' what message do you have?" Well, "No" is such a... negative word. I'd rather give kids "dos" than "dont's". Do recognize your right to pleasure, but do protect yourselves from all the horrible things that can happen to you. In short, DO whack off.
I think that it's high time the people of America realized what a boon jerking off can be! And not just children, either. Why, when George wants some nookie, and I don't, he just turns over and slips himself the four-fingered practice tunnel, and our problem is solved.
It's so easy, and people should realize that solo sex is the safest sex. Next time you feel like consorting with someone of questionable sexual background, just pop into the nearest bathroom, pull down your pants or pull up your skirt, and do some exploring, and in no time you'll be satisfied!
I just want to say: boys, choke that chicken! Girls, shake hands with that pink satin ski slope! In short, Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(A banner unfolds behind her, reading "Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!" A ROCKER jumps on from offstage, dressed like a conservative middle-aged woman might imagine the average rock star to look like, i.e. combining Heavy Metal, Punk, and Top Forty in a thouroghly atrocious style. He sings the following song.)
Copyright 1989 Lore Shoberg (Used with permission) (email@example.com)