Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign

The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me

The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"

And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see

There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

He takes a landing party down to find what's going on

A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along

And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone

There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just step on a rock, Jock

Get thorns from some plants, Lance

A Horta can spray, Ray

Just listen to me

Clouds drink up your blood, Bud

Computers can kill, Bill

You could lose all your salt, Walt

Kirk gets away free...

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves

Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse

But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer WORSE

There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable

I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil

And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial

He'll find a new way to kill an ensign

Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign