Crewman: "Nothin'. They're studying him."
"Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer.
Show me a man who is a good loser...and I'll show you a junior officer who is
playing 3-D chess with his captain.
Captain Kirk: "Since all of you crewmembers performed so inefficiently today,
there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven."
Voice: "Give me liberty or give me death!"
Kirk: "Who said that?"
Voice: "Patrick Henry."
McCoy: "Should we have a friendly game of cards?"
Kirk: "No, let's play poker."
Kirk was chatting with a newly commissioned ensign when a crewman approached
and asked to speak to him.
"Go ahead, son," Kirk said. "It's kind of confidential, captain. I'd rather
not say it in front of the ensign."
"Well," said Kirk, "spell it then."
Noticing medals on Balok's chest, Kirk asked, "Did you win those in combat?"
"Oh, no," said Balok. "I don't believe in military service."
"Did you shrink from battle?" asked Kirk.
"No," shrugged Balok, "I've always been this size."
When the ENTERPRISE crew beamed down to the Guardian of Forever, Dr. McCoy
refused to go through.
"You're all the same," he grumbled, "In one era and out the other."
McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"
Lieutenant Kyle: "Dr. McCoy, I sleep all day, stay awake all night. I'm
hot all the time and can't stop dancing. And I see rings before my eyes!
What's wrong with me?"
McCoy: "Sounds like Saturn Day Night Fever."
Dr. McCoy was impressed by the professional manner of new ENTERPRISE
psychiatrist Dr. Zhrink. After a long shift, an amazed McCoy asked him, "how
can you stay so fresh and cool after eight hours of listening to such terrible
Dr. Zhrink shrugged. "Who listens?"
McCoy: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Mess officer: "We serve anybody. Sit down."
Harry Mudd was arrested and charged with fraud for selling maps to the
Fountain of Youth. When computer records were checked, it was discovered he
had been arrested for the same offense in 1716, 1986, 2005, and Stardate
Harry Mudd was on trial again.
"Harry," said the judge, "You're accused of throwing your wife, Stella, out of
the window. This is a most serious crime."
"But your honor," cried Harry, "be lenient. You've met my wife."
"Yes," answered the judge with a shudder, "and I don't blame you for what you
did. But don't you understand-- she could have LANDED on somebody?"
Sarek and Amanda were dating
Amanda was patiently waiting
For signs of romance
Soft words, a slow dance
What she got was an efficiency rating
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device.
It seems the Klingons had a diabolical plan to trap the ENTERPRISE in silver
Luckily, the plan was foiled.
[Below are some "standard" ethnic jokes.]
Do you know what they call a Klingon with half a brain? Gifted!
Do you know what they call a Klingon with no brain at all? Normal.
What is the longest four years of a Klingon's life? Third Grade.
How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree? Wave to him.
Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep trying to cover them
Why did the Klingon cross the road? To conquer the other side.
Scotty and Sulu had been at the K-7 saloon for three hours when suddenly in
walked a strange alien being. He was eight feet tall, weighted less than a
hundred pounds, and had orange skin, purple hair, and six yellow eyes. To top
it all off, he was wearing a red-and-blue-striped suit. Scotty stared at him
for a long while and finally rose and staggered over to the being.
"Pardon me for askin', friend, bu' wha' do ye look like when Ah'm sober?"
The next day, the bartender was just opening up the place when a pink
elephant and a rhinoceros came strolling in. The bartender shook his head.
"Sorry, boys, Scotty hasn't come in yet."
Dr. McCoy finished his examination of Scotty and shook his head. "Scotty,
I can't find any reason for your stomach pains. Frankly, I think it's due to
"In that case, Leonard," said Scotty, "I'll come back when you're sober."
Mr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"
Mr. Spock: "A syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give me an
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"
A visiting admiral approached Chekov's station on the ENTERPRISE. Thinking
he would test the young officer, he asked, "What would you do if the weapons
officer suddenly got his head blown off?"
"Because I'm the weapons officer, sir."
What do you call it when two science officers are having an argument?
Sulu: "I've just discovered that Ilia's sister is a redhead."
Chekov: "But I thought Deltans don't have any hair."
Sulu: "She doesn't. She just has a red head."
Show me Uhura reciting verse at warpspeed...and I'll show you poetry in
Uhura: "Everyone on this ship thinks I'm crazy because I like pastrami on
McCoy: "That doesn't mean you're crazy. I like pastrami on rye, too."
Uhura: "Great! You must come and see my collection!"
Uhura was working at her console when she suddenly straightened up. "I think
there's a sick crewmember on Deck 9," she said. As no message had been
received, Kirk was baffled, but sent McCoy to check it out. Sure enough, the
doctor reproted that a crewmember had, indeed, collapsed where Uhura had
Impressed, Kirk turned to her. "You must be psychic, Uhura. How did you know
that crewman was ill?"
Uhura smiled. "I had my ailing frequencies open, sir."
And let's not forget their mission...
"To boldly go where Nomad has gone before...."
The following are lines Spock might have said followed by what was really
This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose if
it so befits me.
She chooses to purchase a terraced incline directed toward a post-life
- Answer: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been manufactured
for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.
- Answer: And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of bricks of baked clay.
- Answer: These Boots Were Made For Walkin.
And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male
parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.
- Answer: Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road
The deity had little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule
viridescent seed-bearing fruits.
- Answer: And we'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away.
Allow me the honor of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of a
member of the family Ursidae of the order Carnivora.
- Answer: God didn't make little green apples.
You provide illumination for the period of time delimited by my nativity
and the complete cessation of my metabolic functions.
- Answer: Let me be your Teddy Bear.
Express deep affection towards yours truly in the manner of a hardened
- Answer: Again, nitpicky. It's "You Light Up My Life."
Spock: I possess the capability of performing ocular scans of manual
inscriptions on a vertical partition.
- Answer: Love me like a rock.
- Answer: I can read the writing on the wall.