"I'm Just the Counselor" ("I'm Just a Gigolo / I Ain't Got Nobody" David Lee Roth version)

I'm just the counselor, they all say, "Look at her!"

The only thought that's in their heads.

I read their little minds, as they stare at my behind,

OOOH! Makes me turn red!

There will come a day, when bustlines fall away,

What will they say about me?

When the end comes for her (that's Troi, the counselor),

Ship goes on without me!

I'm just a Betazoid, a wee bit paranoid,

But I say justifiably.

I try to act my best, but all they notice is my chest,

OOOH! Sexually!

There will come a day, when I won't look this way,

What will they do about me?

I know I'll be annoyed when they ditch the Betazoid,

Ship goes on without me!

'Cause...Iiiii ain't got no purrrrrpose, no purpose now,

The ship don't, don't need me, don't need me, don't need me.

Iiiiiii'm pretty much worrrrthless,

Won't some great writer, won't some great writer,

Take a chance on usin' me, 'cuz I could be great...

I could save the ship! Save the day!

Save the plot! Save me some lines!

I could do anything! I could say anything!

Anything but--

("Captain you shouldn't trust the Romulan commander." Oh, REALLY?!!)

But, Iiiii ain't got no purrrrrpose, no purpose now,

The ship don't, don't need me, don't need me, don't need me at all!

[Instrumental section. Troi dances like a maniac, teasing Riker.]

("And I swear if my mother's on one more time, I'm going to scream!")

AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII ain't got no purrrrrpose, no purpose now,

The ship don't, don't need me, don't need me, don't need me.

Iiiiiii'm pretty much uuuuuuuuuseless,

Won't some great writer, won't some great writer,

Write a script about me, 'cuz I need the work...

I could fall in love, lose my powers, have a baby, go insane,

I could do anything! I could do anything!

But, no! No! No! No! I! Ain't! Got! No! Purpose! No purpose...

No purpose!

No function!

No reason!

No rhyme!

No purpose!

Nobody writes about me!

"Holodeck" ("Love Shack")

[Scene: Riker in the Holodeck.]

RIKER: (Computer, run Riker program 3A.)

[Simulations of Beverly and Troi in ridiculous wigs appear. The music starts.]

RIKER: Well, I walk the hall and I get in the lift and say "Take me down to the

GIRLS: Ho - lo - deeeeeck!

BEV : Well, I'm headin' down that Enterprise walkway...

GIRLS:

Lookin' for the holodeck getaway

Goin' to the holodeck

I ate too much, now I'm as big as a whale

So I'm headin' on down to the holodeck

I ate too much, now I weigh 240

But in here, I can be as lucky as Geordi!

The holodeck is a little old place where

Losers come together

Holodeck, bayyyybeee

The holodeck! That's where it's at!

The holodeck! That's where it's at!

Bridge crew, I'm gonna be late!

'Cuz I've got a date! With the holodeck!

It's just a silly little room

With a bunch of yellow lines

But when you run that program

Everything turns out fine!

TROI: Remember Leah Brahms?

BEV: Remember Minuete?

TROI: And her simulated charms?

GIRLS:

The holodeck is a little old place where

Losers come together

Holodeck, bayyyybeee

GIRLS:

The holodeck! That's where it's at!

The holodeck! That's where it's at!

Grabbin' and a holdin'

Tweakin' and a squeezin'

Actin' like a pervert, holograms don't care!

The whole deck shimmers!

The whole deck shimmers!

The whole deck shimmers when we get attacked and the power goes

to the shields!

RIKER: Folks try to call me but I don't answer!

GIRLS: Everyone is jammin', we're all hologrammin'!

RIKER:

Funky holodeck! Funky ho-lo-deck!

I ate too much, now I'm as big as a whale,

and I can't get any tail!

I ate too much, now I weigh 240

But in here, I can be as lucky as Geordi!

The holodeck is a little old place where

Losers come together

Holodeck, bayyyybeee

The holodeck! That's where it's at!

The holodeck! That's where it's at!

PICARD: (Commander Riker to the bridge!)

RIKER: (Yes, sir! Computer, end program.)

[Nothing happens]

(Computer, I said end program!)

[He walks to the door and hits it.]

GIRLS: Bang bang bang on the door, baby!

RIKER: (Computer, end the program!)

GIRLS: Bang bang bang on the door, baby!

RIKER: (Computer, open the door!)

GIRLS: BANG BAAAAAAAAAANNNG!

RIKER: Open the door!!

GIRLS: BANG BAAAAAAAAAANNNG!

RIKER: Open the door!!

GIRLS: BANG BAAAAAAAAAANNNG!

RIKER: Open the door!!

GIRLS: BANG BAAAAAAAAAANNNG!

RIKER: Riker to bridge!

PICARD: You're what?

RIKER: Captain! Uh, stuck sir.

GIRLS:

Holodeck, baby, holodeck! Holodeck, baby, holodeck!

Holodeck, baby, holodeck! Holodeck, baby, holodeck!

"Kirk" ("Bad")

You say Picard...is number one

Well I just beg...to differ, son

I've been Starfleet's...coolest dude

Since all of you...ate baby food

Warp 5, warp 5, Mr. Sulu, alright!

My Enterprise...was not as large

But next to it...your ship's a barge

Perhaps my ship...couldn't split in two

But there's more things...that it could do

And the women all wore skirts,

And the Klingons had no crests,

We didn't have no android,

Or a counselor with big breasts!

When I was Kirk! I'm Kirk! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

I'm Kirk, you know it! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

'Cuz I'm Kirk you know it, (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

you know it, come on!

Don't you call me Kirok, Roykirk, J.R., 'cuz I'll tell you once again:

I'm Kirk!

Every week...I'd save a world

Or failing that...I'd get the girl

Computers were...my specialty

They'd detonate...from hearing me

Beaming down...was such a thrill

We'd come in peace...but shoot to kill

And the bridge was real noisy

And we all wore baggy clothes

My science guy had big ears

Instead of a big nose!

When I was Kirk! I'm Kirk! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

I'm Kirk, you know it! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

'Cuz I'm Kirk you know it, (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

you know it, come on!

And I swear that I'm not wearing a rug, and I'll tell you once again:

I'm Kirk!

If you see me comin' your way,

Better give me breathin' space

If you tease me 'bout my hairline

I'll punch you in the face!

Because I'm Kirk! I'm Kirk! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

I'm Kirk, you know it! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

'Cuz I'm Kirk you know it, (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

you know it, come on!

Got a hundred illegitimate kids, let me tell you once again:

You know I'm Kirk! I'm Kirk! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

I'm Kirk, you know it! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

'Cuz I'm Kirk you know it, (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

you know it, come on!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! (And it's NCC-1701, no letters at the end)

You know I'm Kirk! I'm Kirk! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

I'm Kirk, you know it! (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

'Cuz I'm Kirk you know it, (Kirk, Kirk, James T. Kirk)

you know it, come on!

And the whole damn galaxy knows my name, let me tell you once again:

I'M KIRK!!

"Klingons Just Wanna Bust Heads" ("Girls Just Wanna Have Fun")

Some races...like drinkin' cafe

And some prefer to sing along with Mel Torme

But we Klingons come from much simpler thread!

Oh, Klingons just wanna bust heads!

Yeah, Klingons just wanna bust heads!

There is nothin'...that makes me grin

More than finding some poor sap and smashing all his teeth in

We've been that way since we crawled from the mud!

Yeah, Klingons just love to draw blood!

Yeah, Klingons just wanna draw blood!

They just wanna, they just wannaaaaa!

They just wanna, they just wannaaaaa!

Don't ask us to dance, or to sing choir hymns,

'Cuz Klingons would rather break limbs

Yeah, Klingons just wanna break limbs!

Klingons, they just...wanna break limbs!

They just...wanna draw blood!

They just...wanna bust heads!

They just...wanna fight!

Our idea...of good healthy sex

Is throwin' chairs around and breakin' each other's necks

You could say that we've got war on the brain!

Oh, Klingons, we like to cause pain!

Yeah, Klingons just wanna cause pain!

They just wanna, they just wannaaaaa!

They just wanna, they just wannaaaaa!

Don't ask us to swim, or to be altar boys,

'Cuz Klingons would rather destroy!

Yeah, Klingons just wanna destroy!

They just wanna, they just wannaaaaa!

They just wanna, they just wannaaaaa!

"U Can't Touch Us" ("U Can't Touch This")

My my my my

Ship's the greatest

In the fleet!

Many have tried but we can't be beat!

We're tough!

Hard to kill!

If the Borg couldn't beat us then no one ever will!

I'm the Captain!

And I'm hip!

If I get in a jam I'll surrender the ship!

You may think

I'm too much!

But I've got a crew that--U Can't Touch!

[Verses for everyone else]

Everytime you see us

Our show is just so hot!

In every week's ratings we're the top of the charts!

Now why would we ever

Stop doin' this

When we can make a movie

In just three years

We're on across the nation

From New York to L.A.!

We're the Next Generation, yeah, the Next Generation,

and we blow the rest away!!