The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

  1. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
  2. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
  3. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
  4. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
  5. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
  6. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
  7. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
  8. You have no life.
  9. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
  10. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.


  1. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
  2. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
  3. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
  4. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
  5. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
  6. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
  7. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
  8. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
  9. "We brake for cubes!"
  10. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:

"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."


  1. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
  2. The ball in Parisis' Squares
  3. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
  4. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
  5. Scare blind students in Braille class
  6. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
  7. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
  8. Footstool for Captain's chair
  9. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
  10. Scare Alexander into doing chores
  11. Send to doctor that killed crystalline entity as gag gift
  12. ecorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
  13. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
  14. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
  15. Two words: tether ball
  16. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
  17. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
  18. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
  19. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime and the best use for Data's detatched head...
  20. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy


  1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
  2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
  3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
  4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
  5. Have figured out the stardate system
  6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
  7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
  8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
  9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
  10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
  11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
  12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
  13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
  14. Understanding Klingon
  15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
  16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
  17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
  18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
  19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
  20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

Things that never happen in Star Trek :

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
  2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
  3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
  4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
  5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
  6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
  7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
  8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
  9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
  11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
  12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
  13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
  15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
  16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
  17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
  18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
  19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
  20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
  21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
  22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
  23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
  24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
  25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
  26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
  27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
  28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
  29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
  30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
  31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
  32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
  33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
  34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
  35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
  36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
  37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
  39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
  40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
  41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
  42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
  43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
  44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
  45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
  46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.
  47. A crewman is denied access to the shuttlecraft. When he/she tries to steal it, he/she is caught in the act by the efficient, well-prepared security officers.
  48. Barclay appears having been cured of his neuroses by the ship's counselor.
  49. Quark doesn't mention the Rules of Acquisition.
  50. The intellegent beings who come through the worm-hole do not look like humans with a cheap make-up job.
  51. The station is occupied by a skeleton crew, but no one tries to take it over.
  52. After Quark's actions imperil the station and/or a crewmember, Sisko orders him tossed out the airlock.
  53. Odo actually conserves mass when he shape-shifts.
  54. Alternatively: When Odo looses mass by shape-shifting into a smaller object, the mass is converted to energy (E=mc^2), causing the station to be destroyed in a thermonuclear explosion.
  55. Klingons are shown sitting around eating Pizza.
  56. Some Klingons get bored and paint the interior of their ship with decorative murals.
  57. Any fully functional space vessel is seen in any orientation except "right side up".
  58. A major character dies and doesn't get resurrected by a superior life form and doesn't appear in a later episode.
  59. The Enterprise encounters an alien race that has neither a problem nor any ambitions for universal dominance.
  60. Someone discovers a toilet on the Enterprise.
  61. Fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
  62. The Captain sounds Red Alert and crew man stations looking like they *haven't* just spent hours in wardrobe and makeup.
  63. The Captain sends someone OTHER than the "chiefs of staff" down to the surface of a potentially dangerous alien planet...
  64. The alien delegate on board the Enterprise does not refer to his planet, species, culture, et cetera, as "My People".
  65. An alien species has a name for their planet completely different than the name the federation uses.
  66. Some members of an alien species have a different skin color than the rest of them, and they don't make a big old last-battlefield deal about it.
  67. A Federation starship is shown that has a crew that's less than 95% human.
  68. The Universal Translator kicks in when someone speaks French, Latin, or Klingon.
  69. The Prime Directive gets upheld without any sacrifices having to be made.
  70. The Prime Directive gets BROKEN and somebody gets court-martialled for it and the alien species really DOES suffer because of the violation.
  71. Someone tries to take a shuttle without authorization but is stopped when the bridge officers close the shuttle bay door in time.
  72. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
  73. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention.
  74. "Maximum warp" is actually fast enough to easily outrun something which is threatening the ship.
  75. After Kirk tells Bones to help the poor unknown ensign who was just shot/eaten/mangled/perforated, Bones replies, "Sure, Piece of cake!"
  76. Spock says, "I can't calculate the probabability of that because I am distracted by Uhura's shapely legs."
  77. Scotty really needs extra time when he says, "I need more time, Jim."
  78. Bones admits that he is, indeed, a bricklayer and not a doctor.
  79. Scotty admits that he prefers iced tea to 100 year old scotch.
  80. Scotty gives up drinking because his liver "kinna take no more"
  81. Kirk/Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and ends up staying with her at the end of the episode.
  82. Kirk/Riker is in sick bay being treated for venereal disease.
  83. Sulu/Geordi gets laid.
  84. Bones/Beverly says "Ooops!" in the middle of a critical operation
  85. Worf is shown with a milk moustache.
  86. Picard finally gives up playing the flute due to Comander Data's observation: "you really stink".
  87. Picard gives Q a noogie.
  88. Troi reveals she actually "stuffs".
  89. Data uses the Enterprise's tractor beam to create huge waves on Risa so Riker can impress the babes with his surfing skills.
  90. The Borg ship is completely disabled due to Geordi's brilliant plan to beam a bucket of water directly over the main computer.
  91. Picard, while riding a horse at fully gallop, is thrown against the Holodeck wall and seriously hurt when Wesley turns off computer thinking no one is using it.
  92. Wesley Crusher gets thrown in the brig after endangering the Enterprise with one of his "experiments".
  93. The Enterprise stumbles upon a civilization that has a cure for advanced male-pattern baldness.
  94. Troi confides to Picard/Riker/Beverly how horny she gets when she "feels that couple making out in the hot tub two decks above."
  95. Geordi runs a level 3 diagnostic and actually finds something wrong.
  96. Counselor Troi counsels someone who is more psychologically screwed up than she is.
  97. Counselor Troi enters into a relationship with someone without saying, "We can't do this! It's wrong!"
  98. Picard hears the door chime and says, "I'm busy! Go away!" instead of "Come."
  99. Picard tells the helmsmen to engage warp engines by saying, "Let's boogie!"
  100. Wesley Crusher is completely baffled along with the rest of the crew.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

  1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying, "I could have had a V-8!"
  2. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
  3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
  4. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
  5. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
  6. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
  7. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
  8. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:

  1. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
  2. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
  3. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence
  4. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
  5. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
  6. Tribble sex!

The TOP TEN reasons why Riker won't shave:

  1. Hopes his beard will draw attention away from his constant silly smile.
  2. He and Worf are having a beard-growing contest.
  3. It helps hide the faint, hereditary birthmark on his chin that proves he's a werewolf.
  4. Hopes to look scarier to hostile aliens.
  5. Starfleet has bridge personnel hair quotas and he's trying to make up for Picard.
  6. He thinks Troi finds it sexy.
  7. (seasons 2 to mid-4 only) Didn't trust himself to pick up a can of shaving cream because the temptation to go and spray it at Wesley was too great.
  8. Wants to look more like his hero, Ming the Merciless.
  9. Every time he does, Q makes his beard grow back in five minutes as a gag.
  10. Picard won't let him fire up his photon blade.

The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation

(including a preview of the first TNG movie!)

  1. Breeding Grounds - Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally served on the Enterprise with Folger's crystals spiked with Klingon aphrodisiacs.
  2. Electro-Q-tion (alternate title: Q d'etat) - Q endows every Starfleet uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling; the Captain breaks the record for most shirt-tugging "Picard Maneuvers" in one episode.
  3. The Bonding II - Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table in his ready room.
  4. Deanna Does Pallas - while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar System's asteroid belt, Counselor Troi's Betazoid sex drive reaches its peak.
  5. Hell Hath No Fury - Keiko buries a machete in O'Brien's back after finding him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computer-generated bimbo.
  6. Globular Mustard - an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
  7. Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: Prose-Q-ting Attorney) - Q puts humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday.
  8. The Funted - superior aliens sieze the Enterprise claiming that they wish to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is really on Galactic Candid Camera.
  9. Out, Out, Damn Spot - Data's cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a hairball on Captain Picard.
  10. Star Trek VII: Up the Creek - Wesley and three of his pals must win a river rafting race for Starfleet Academy.

The TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew

  1. All routine maintainence on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas.
  2. Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data after she insulted him one too many times.
  3. Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third".
  4. Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crewmembers by asking, "So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
  5. Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer.
  6. "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead".
  7. Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation "F. Off."
  8. Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece.
  9. Picard is Wesley's father.
  10. Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father.

The TOP TEN reasons Picard won't fire the phasers:

  1. He doesn't know how.
  2. He doesn't want to succumb to crew pressure.
  3. He doesn't want to lose the women attracted by his sensitive side.
  4. He doesn't want to use the same effects as the old show.
  5. Emily Post recommends not firing on a first encounter.
  6. It saves energy.
  7. He is on the holodeck pretending he has a life.
  8. He is promoting a kinder, gentler Starfleet.
  9. The other ship is probably carrying a relative of Tasha Yar.
  10. What would his mother say?

The TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

  1. Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.
  2. The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
  3. Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back.
  4. That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
  5. Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bejoran V.D. into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in.
  6. Wesley might come to visit.
  7. Lwaxanna Troi might come to visit. The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again.
  8. Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER be rid of the big dork!


  1. U.S.S. Answer -- NCC 42
  2. U.S.S. Pickup -- NCC 52
  3. U.S.S. Lucifer -- NCC 666
  4. U.S.S. Friday -- NCC 13-8
  5. U.S.S. Oldsmobile -- NCC 442
  6. U.S.S. James Bond -- NCC 007
  7. U.S.S. Rescue -- NCC 911
  8. U.S.S. Ivory -- NCC 99 44/100
  9. U.S.S. George Orwell -- NCC 1984
  10. U.S.S. Beverly Hills -- NCC 90210
  11. U.S.S. Questions -- NCC 20

The TOP TEN lines you'll never hear on Star Trek: The Next Generation

  1. Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks!
  2. Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century.
  3. Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again? They caught him smoking pot!

    Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana - a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama red...

  4. Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now get out!
  5. Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!
  6. A Starfleet admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there's plenty of other ships in your quadrant.
  7. Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache.
  8. Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.!
  9. Geordi: We've modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls.

    Riker: What will that do?

    Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell *sounds* impressive!

  10. Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers!

The TOP TEN T-shirts worn by members of the Enterprise crew

The TOP TWENTY surprise plot twists in upcoming TNG episodes

  1. Worf signs Alexander up for ballet lessons.
  2. The distress call they have been answering is a prank Wesley sent from the Academy.
  3. Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live style Conehead.
  4. Picard beams down.
  5. All of Geordi's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no pseudo-scientific doubletalk.
  6. Troi runs amok with a machete.
  7. Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his "command" has been a holodeck simulation.
  8. No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar.
  9. Geordi gets a woman.
  10. Riker *doesn't* get a woman.
  11. Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the continuity error, is rent asunder.
  12. Picard wakes up muttering "there's no place like home".
  13. Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top.
  14. Ten Forward is turned into a disco. Features Beverly Crusher as "The Dancing Doctor".
  15. Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty officer, O'Brien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes the rank of Captain.
  16. Picard fires the phasers.
  17. "Prime Directive" is the word of the day, entire crew goes "Aaaaahhhhh!!" at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned.
  18. Data's cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy.
  19. Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name security guard saves the ship.
  20. Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does "Nestea Plunge" into swimming pool on holodeck.

The TOP TEN command decisions Captain Picard has to make

  1. Should he send Wesley an FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquet?
  2. How big a tip to leave in 10-Forward.
  3. Should he open hailing frequencies or beam over a nice Hallmark card?
  4. Stock up on minoxidol or turtle wax?
  5. Whether or not to have easy-listening music played in the turbolifts.
  6. Should he put Spock on his Christmas card list?
  7. Whether or not to have Data's cat neutered.
  8. Whether or not to have Commander Riker neutered.
  9. Bud or Coors?
  10. Keep matter/antimatter warp engines or switch over to natural gas?

TOP 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

  1. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
  2. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
  3. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
  4. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
  5. Computer fails to process any instruction beginnig with "w".
  6. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
  7. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
  8. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
  9. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
  10. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become to steep for crew to climb.
  11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
  12. Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
  13. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
  14. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
  15. Bug in main computer speech proccessor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
  16. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
  17. Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
  18. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
  19. Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
  20. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
  21. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Top Ten Changes with Bush as Captain of the Enterprise

  1. Millie eats Spot.
  2. Converts Deep Space Nine to golf course. Renamed to the "Dan Quayle Nines."
  3. Everyone loves Barbara, so she replaces Guinan at the bar.
  4. Bush remarks that if his second-in-command were as capable as Riker he would have won that election.
  5. Owl crossed with tribble. Now Bush is really "up to his neck in spotted owls!"
  6. Computer's classical music selections replaced with the Oakridge Boys.
  7. Riker keeps nickname of "Number One," but Captain Bush refers to Geordi and Worf as the "little brown ones."
  8. In his never-ending quest for humor, Data discovers Dana Carvey. Data is immediately transfered to DS9!
  9. Bush keeps calling Wesley "Danny" for some reason.
  10. Too many confusing stars on the viewscreen. A filter is installed to show only a thousand points of light!


  1. Wesley Crusher was never born.
  2. Serious diplomatic incident occured onboard the Enterprise because Ambassador wanted Earl Grey tea--not programmed into replicator.
  3. Population of San Fransisco in 1900 approximately 10.
  4. Ferengi kidnap Lwaxanna Troi, and a year later pay Betazed to take her back.
  5. Benjamin Sisko, while commanding the Saratoga hits the USS Bozeman and dies--Miles O'Brien in charge of Deep Space Nine.
  6. Data replaced by his brother Lore, "accidental" photon torpedo firings still plaguing ship.
  7. Worf now head of Klingon Empire.
  8. Sela now head of Romulan Empire.
  9. Next Captain of the USS Enterprise will be Nick Lacarno. And the best change from Picard playing it safe:
  10. "Wow look at the huge cube-shaped ship, I wonder if its friendly."


  1. The next Vulcan to appear will be Saavik.
  2. Data recreating the Cheers set in the holodeck every chance he can to learn how to interact with drinking humans.
  3. Ted Danson will become Guinan's assistant in Ten Forward.
  4. "Morn" on DS9 now played by George Wendt.
  5. John Ratzenberger finds the only role that even comes close to his Cliff Clavin character--A Starfleet Admiral.
  6. More appearances of the USS Bozeman and its Captain.
  7. Good news: We finally get to see a Ferengi female. Bad News: Its Rhea Pearlman.
  8. The Pakled leader turns out to be Woody Boyd.
  9. Deanna Troi replaced by Lilith. And the top change to Star Trek now that Cheers is over:
  10. The Deep Space Nine theme song now played on Piccolo and Piano.

Top Ten Plot Twists in the "Clinton on the Enterprise" Episode

  1. Bill is watching "Hee Haw" and discussing his experiences as a Rhodes scholar with some friends. The fabric of the universe can't take this juxtiposition of the idiotic with the intelligent and Bill is technobabbly transported to the Enterprise.
  2. Picard is stunned into utter speechlessness by Clinton's hair.
  3. Shares "war stories" with Riker. ie. "And then her husband walked in!"
  4. Thanks to replicator, all food is FAST food! Clinton's in hog heaven!
  5. Dr. Crusher politely tells Bill, "with our medical technology, we can correct that overbite."
  6. Clinton learns from Star Fleet how to eliminate the US budget deficit -- get rid of money!
  7. Bill & Will save Enterprise from hostile aliens by playing a rather bad duet on Sax and Trombone.
  8. Advances in genetic engineering can eliminate problems from inbreeding. Clinton brings the technology home to Arkansas and becomes a hero! As he leaves the Enterprise, Clinton closes his goodbye with "I still belive in a place called Hope." Data responds with, "There are exactly 143,452 settlements with that name in the geographical records."

Top Ten new / unused plot lines for upcoming sixth season episodes of ST:TNG:

  1. Season opener: Picard and crew chase after Data now riding horseback through Sleepy Hollow.
  2. Wesley visits the Enterprise from the Academy: Since his Colbert-star fiasco he "can't get dates".
  3. Food replicators malfunction - the only working pattern is for "spam" (Incidents of cannibalism break out throughout the ship).
  4. Alexander follows Worf around the ship with a pot, banging him on the head yelling, "Not the mama! Not the mama!".
  5. Riker put on trial for violating the Prime Directive when it is learned he taught the J'nai to play "strip poker".
  6. The Borg invade Starfleet's Central Information Net. Data divises a plan to announce that a public XXX ftp site is up at borg.starfleet.hq: the Borg are brought to a halt in minutes.
  7. Troi's mother visits the Enterprise. Complains that there isn't a good nurse to be found.
  8. A freak wormhole blasts Montgomery Scott to the 24th century, and robs Geordi's prosthetic vision. Scotty later restores Geordi's vision when he realizes he put on a barette by mistake.
  9. Alexander is made an acting ensign.
  10. Tribbles!

Here are some practical jokes that should be played on the Enterprise crew:


  1. When Mr. Spock and Nurse Chapel won't stop playing keep away with Dr. McCoy's tricorder.
  2. When Scotty keeps asking if he's done with his sandwich.
  3. Hot green alien babes with a conscience.
  4. When Mr. Sulu lets his pet monkey fly the ship without telling anyone.
  5. Fans who dump him for that balding British guy from "The Next Generation."
  6. Child support attorneys from all over the galaxy won't leave him alone.
  7. When his semi-intelligent hairpiece lunges at visiting alien ambassadors, causing galactic wars.
  8. Dick Clark still has not aged a year.
  9. The way women have lately been bursting into laughter when he makes a pass at them.

    . . . And the Top Pet Peeve of Captain Kirk :

  10. Gene Roddenberry died and all he left him was a lousy t-shirt !!

Top Ten Upcoming Plot Lines Stolen from 1970's TV Shows

  1. Data interviews an array of eccentric characters while taking subspace call-ins on "Data-hue."
  2. The crew gets an economic lesson on perceived pricing strategies and has the opportunity to win valuable prizes on the "Enterprise is Right."
  3. Data once again tries to find love -- this time by interviewing 3 lovely ladies with amusing double entendres in "The Data Game."
  4. Captain Picard and the valiant crew defeat the Borg by exposing them to music that has a beat they can't resist in "Shake your Borgie."
  5. A series of murders baffles Dr. Crusher until she resorts to doing autopsies. Meanwhile, Q's back. Yes, it's "Q-incy!"
  6. Troi, Riker, and Ro are trapped during a storm on a planet and forced to share an emergency shelter in "Three's a Landing Party."
  7. The Enterprise takes Lwaxanna and Milton Berle(!) on a romantic trip to Risa. Meanwhile some comedic Ferengis smuggle some contraband in Luaxana's luggage! Riker escorts guests to their rooms, Guinan serves drinks, Crusher handles space-sickness, and Picard provides class and wit. All this and more on the "Love Starship!"
  8. A transporter accident (surprise!) gives Geordi the superhuman powers of the Q in "I Dream of Geordi."
  9. Captain Picard pretends he's a detective to whom he bears more than just a passing resemblance in "Ko-Jacques."
  10. Any plot from "Space 1999." Oops! These are saved for "Deep Space 9!"


  1. Now twice as many bad things can happen to him.
  2. He can do those Doublemint commercials.
  3. Can make for some really good practical jokes.
  4. He can be his own blood and organ donor.
  5. Now you can have a Riker on the bridge and on the away team.
  6. Effectively doubles the potential for scoring with alien women.
  7. The Lt. Cmdr Riker can have a vacation and sleep in while Lt. Riker does all the work.
  8. Now he *can* be his own boss.
  9. It seriously messes with the mind of some Starfleet personnel officer and paymaster.

    And the best cool thing about two Rikers:

  10. Menage a Troi.


  1. An ops station on the base with a snotty Starfleet officer insisting he is in charge and nothing is wrong.
  2. A group of Romulan Commandos sneaking aboard to steal technology fighting the thieves and Picard gets caught in the middle.
  3. Two words: Alan Rickman.
  4. Picard gets his shirt torn like Kirk used to.
  5. Data puts the two terrorists to sleep with small talk.
  6. Picard gets an antique Uzi from some other security officer's quarters.
  7. What happens when somone actually gets hit with that sweep?
  8. The lead female asks Picard, "What are you, some kind of cowboy?"
  9. Data uses his superior strength and speed to knock out both terrorists before Riker hits the floor. And the top thing they should've put in "Starship Mine":
  10. At least one terrorist escapes so they can use this plot for DS9.

You know you've watched too much Star Trek when you...

Top 10 reasons why the Federation will never win

  1. The Prime Directive.
  2. They spend all of their time designing uniforms.
  3. These new troublesome aliens keep popping up.
  4. No Indian or Chinese engineers on board.
  5. Still haven't designed a decent shuttle craft.
  6. People like Jean-Luc insist on playing by the rules.
  7. Worf never gets to win a fight.
  8. They have thousands of people on board their starships, but only the bridge crew knows how to do anything.
  9. Picard had to go and tick off the Q.
  10. The Klingons have ALWAYS had better looking ships.

The Top Ten Reasons the Federation Will Fail

  1. Borg-damaged ships sold to Pakleds for under market value.
  2. Wesley Crusher's extra year at the Academy leads to massive cadet drop-outs.
  3. So many starship captains, so few starships.
  4. Cranky female vice-admirals order starships to attack first, ask questions later.
  5. Ship Counselor Program just a silly prank by Commander Starfleet.
  6. Shortage of Fram air-filters for blind engineers.
  7. Holodecks used for too many toga parties.
  8. Romulans have Joan Crawford-like shoulders, Starfleet officers have Sammy Davis-like shoulders.
  9. Starships keep randomly separating because of irreconcilable differences.

    And the top reason the Federation will fail ... [insert drum roll, please]

  10. 1. No free balloons for the kids!


  1. Geordi is given the nick-name "One-eye".
  2. Worf acquires retractible claws.
  3. Picard acquires a taste for Jelly Babies.
  4. Wesley returns to the Enterprise as a fully qualified doctor.
  5. After dying at the end of a cliffhanger episode, Riker appears in Troi's sonic shower.
  6. Kirk is found frozen in a shuttlecraft.
  7. The console in Picard's ready room self distructs five seconds after the Admiral wishes him good luck on his mission.
  8. The Cardassians build a base the size and shape of a moon.
  9. A Bajoran religious leader preaches about the Force.

    And the best way that Paramount could invite a lawsuit is:

  10. A hostile creature emerges from a crewman's stomach.

Top ten things we'd like to see on TNG -- part deux!

  1. The Enterprise gets a Andorian (blue skin & antennae, remember?) bridge crew member.
  2. We finally find out what happened to those purple crab critter / invaders from the episode years back.
  3. Denise Crosby is cloned from a cell of her tissue by the Klingons into a Klingon version of Tasha Yar. She then declares war on her other selves.
  4. Picard gets ticked off and blows a Cardassian warship out of space.
  5. Riker in dreadlocks.
  6. Starfleet issues an order that future doctors will not go by scary names like Bones and Crusher.
  7. The crew believes that Worf, now sporting traditional Klingon garb, is returing to his people, only to find he has joined a rock group.
  8. Scotty, putting off his retirement for another century, butts heads with Q, drinks him under the table, and makes Q lead him to his pot o' gold.
  9. Kahn, reborn 70 years after his death by a mysteriously delayed Genesis effect, attracts a new group of malcontents from Berkeley, Calif., and steals the Federation starships Aries, Daytona, and Duster.
  10. Wesley Crusher, after being briefly kidnapped by the Borg, is transported unscathed onto the Enterprise bridge after the Borg determine that there are aspects to the human race they do not wish to assimilate.

Top Ten Reasons why the Federation doesn't use cloaking devices:

  1. Test vessels keep disappearing and are never seen again.
  2. Head of Starfleet has Bugblatter Beast Syndrome and thinks that if the enemy can't see us, we can't see them.
  3. Insurance company won't cover accidents involving two cloaked ships colliding into each other.
  4. Afraid it would make it too easy for Kirk to steal another ship out of the docking bay.
  5. It wouldn't help anyway, Q would still find them.
  6. Don't want anyone to find out what _really_ happened to Pulaski.
  7. External shots of the ship would be extremely dull.
  8. Don't want to admit that for once, Klingons had a really good idea.


  9. Mike Okuda and Rick Sternbach can't find the model they made of the cloaked Enterprise.

Top 10 Ways For Wesley to Die

  1. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.
  2. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
  3. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."
  4. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
  5. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired.
  6. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
  7. On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca- like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
  8. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Weasley. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.
  9. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
  10. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply anywhere. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.

Top 10 ways commanders handle pressure situations

(The situation: Big-E is under attack, and various commanders have only enough time for one last order. How is this tense situation handled by different characters?)

  1. Scotty: "Why, ya lilly livered poor excuse for a silly puddy potato head, I oughta blastya ta Ceti Alpha Six!"
  2. McCoy: "I'm a Doctor, not a soldier!"
  3. Geordi: "Reroute the phase inducers and heterodyne the frequency of the warp coil!"
  4. Worf: "Grontak garr tok!" (Eat my shorts, Romulan!)
  5. Spock: (Raises eyebrow)
  6. Data: "Romulan commander! Your actions are most unnecessary and are not in keeping with established treaties. May I advise you of the current political situation which threatens the very continuity of the principals involved. A corollary I might point out would be that of..."
  7. Riker: "Shields UP! Red ALERT! Captain to the BRIDGE!"
  8. Picard: "Open hailing frequencies so that I can cower and plead!"
  9. Troi: "I feel, I feel, uhhhhh!"
  10. Kirk: "FIRE!"

Top Ten DS9 Signs

  1. Motel-9: Symbiants stay FREE!
  2. Lunch Special: All the Gaak you can eat - $4.95
  3. Two words: Major Kira
  4. Park-n-ride: 1-800-WORMHOLE
  5. My best friend is the Sisko kid
  6. My parents went to the Gamma Quadrant and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
  7. Quark's - Where everybody names your nose
  8. No docking manuvers in the Holo-Suites
  9. Please don't feed the Odo
  10. Warp 5 - It's the Law!

Top 10 Rejected ST: TNG plots

  1. Picard meets Sy Sperling
  2. Troi's photo session with Playboy and Penthouse
  3. Beavis and Butthead take over the Enterprise and disconnect the computer
  4. Data is accidentally transported to a Ramones concert
  5. Beverly Crusher goes on nine day booze and drug bender
  6. Q Gay as a French horn
  7. Riker can't raise the helm, if you know what I mean
  8. Worf eats his own weight at the Federation of Planets bakeoff
  9. The Enterprise: A Leona Helmsley Hotel!
  10. Madonna tries to overtake the Enterprise with talk of her hygiene techniques and her repeated use of the word "f**k"


  1. Lwaxana: "Hell no, I wouldn't touch that balding old Frenchman with ten-foot pole!!!"
  2. Quark: (ok ok DS9, not TNG) "Holosuite Schmolosuite, let's just get naked!!"
  3. Data: (t-shirt) "My other brain is negatronic."
  4. Picard: (looking at viewscreen) "Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel."

Top 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

  1. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
  2. Kirk never really got into that kinky "jumpsuit" look.
  3. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
  4. One Word: Hair.
  5. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
  6. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
  7. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
  8. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
  9. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
  10. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
  11. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
  12. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
  13. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
  14. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
  15. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
  16. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
  17. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
  18. Kirk says, "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
  19. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
  20. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
  21. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
  22. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
  23. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
  24. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
  25. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
  26. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
  27. One Word: Velour.
  28. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
  29. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
  30. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
  31. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
  32. One Word: Iman.
  33. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
  34. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head.
  35. Kirk says, "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
  36. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
  37. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
  38. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
  39. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
  40. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
  41. Kirk never once said, "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
  42. Kirk is not politically correct.
  43. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
  44. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
  45. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
  46. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up, Scotty" then? See the difference?
  47. One Word: Miniskirts.
  48. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
  49. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
  50. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
  51. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
  52. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO ____ YOURSELF."
  53. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
  54. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
  55. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
  56. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
  57. Picard never met Joan Collins.
  58. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
  59. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
  60. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
  61. Two Words: Line Delivery.
  62. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
  63. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
  64. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
  65. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
  66. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
  67. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
  68. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
  69. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
  70. One Word: Fisticuffs.
  71. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
  72. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
  73. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
  74. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
  75. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
  76. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
  77. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
  78. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
  79. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
  80. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
  81. Two Words: Crane Shots.
  82. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
  83. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
  84. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
  85. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
  86. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
  87. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
  88. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
  89. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
  90. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
  91. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
  92. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
  93. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
  94. When Kirk says, "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
  95. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
  96. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
  97. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
  98. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
  99. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
  100. One Word: Balls

The Top *15* Reasons "Star Trek - The Next Generation" Was Cancelled

  1. Time slot needed for "A Team - The Next Generation."
  2. When Worf gets more chicks than the Captain, it's time to hang it up.
  3. Data captured by Jabba the Hut, sold to Darth Vader for "recreational purposes."
  4. Too many cameramen blinded while focusing on Picard's head.
  5. Picard's affection for tequila starting to get ugly.
  6. Enterprise crew members afraid of falling off the edge of the universe and being eaten by dragons.
  7. Network execs must have been out of their Vulcan minds.
  8. Never one to back down on a dare, Data chases a shot of matter with a shot of anti-matter and KABLOOIE! No more universe!!
  9. United Federation of Planets disbands after election of new General Secretary, Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali.
  10. Data failed to get much-needed MultiMedia upgrade.
  11. Lack of cure for male-pattern baldness by the 23rd century was just too damn depressing.
  12. No actors willing to play new second commander, "Number Two."
  13. Uninsured Wesley totaled Enterprise on Spring Break joyride to Starbase 24.
  14. William Shatner rakes set with AK-47 screaming, "Energize THIS, you bastards!"

    and the Top Reason "Star Trek - The Next Generation" Was Cancelled...

  15. Had to make way for spin-off, "Geordi Loves Chachi."

The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy

  1. Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
  2. Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
  3. Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
  4. Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
  5. Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
  6. Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die
  7. Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
  8. Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
  9. Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure
  10. Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it