Libretto (c) 1992 by Jeremy Buhler
Tunes property of whoever has 'em
Please tell me if someone actually decides to stage this!
KIRK: Captain's log, Stardate 2257.8. Sensors detect strange radio emissions from a body in orbit around the star Filkon 17. We are moving to intercept...
[Cut to bridge. Normal crew members are present at their stations: KIRK, SPOCK, SULU, CHEKOV, UHURA, and the EXPENDABLE ENSIGN. All make motions as if completing their tasks, but the motions are rhythmic and in sync with the following.]
KIRK: Arm phasers! Fire up the photon torpedoes! Shields to full! We won't let the enemy get the best of us this time!
CHEKOV: But Captain ... we don't even know who or what is on the ship! Won't this show of hostility make the other ship a little, well, nervous? They could be peaceful! Maybe a science vessel like us?
KIRK: SHUT UP, Chekov, you lily-livered, sniveling runt! Do you think I would've gotten this far in Starfleet if I didn't take every opportunity to demonstrate competence under fire? And don't you dare call this battleship a science vessel, or I'll lock you in the brig with a bunch of Denebian slime devils!
UHURA: Captain, the unknown [KIRK scowls at her] (cough) excuse me, enemy vessel is hailing us.
KIRK: On screen!
[The viewscreen crackles to life. An ALIEN appears. He seems to be a straitlaced British gent, except that he's a uniform shade of light green.]
ALIEN: 'Ere now, what's all this then? Who told you to go poking around our little sector of the galaxy 'ere?
KIRK: Now just a minute you little sack of ... [realizing he's addressing an unknown and potentially dangerous lifeform] I mean, Greetings on behalf of the United Federation of Planets. I am Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise. We respectfully request the opening of diplomatic relations with you. However, failing that, we're prepared to blow you into little pieces.
ALIEN: Right. Just a moment. GLADYS! [Another alien comes on screen. This one is obviously female.] These blokes say they're prepared to blow us into tiny bits. What d'ye think we should do with them?
F. ALIEN: Well, we shan't bloody well invite them in for a cup of tea, now will we? [to screen] Now you look 'ere, you ridiculous excuse for a sentient... [KIRK turns purple] if you think you can blow us, the prestigious and ancient race of Python to tiny bits, you're bloody well mistaken! I think we'll take all of you off to our 'ome world and barbeque you for dinner! [TO ALIEN] D'ye think we could chop them up and serve them with Spam? Hmmm... Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, captain, and Spam?
ALIEN: But I don't like Spam!
SULU: Captain, the alien vessel has captured us in a tractor beam!
KIRK: Engine room! [MR. SCOTT appears on the viewscreen.] Scotty, give me full reverse! We've got to break away!
MR. SCOTT: Captain, we're not done with our repairs after the last race you blew away! I can give you power, but it'll tear the engines apart!
KIRK: Just do it! Or we'll all end up being spread on butter scones!
MR. SCOTT: I'll try captain, but I can't work miracles...
SPOCK: Captain, I estimate our chances of survival to be approximately one in 998,361,293,722.15.
KIRK: Thank you, Mr. Spock, I'll take it under advisement. Dammit, we've got to drag them along with us! Sulu, plot a course directly for the unknown object orbiting Filkon 17!
SULU: Aye, Captain. Alien ship is being dragged behind us. Apparently they've decided to follow, since they're not breaking tractor beam.
KIRK: But why? I thought they wanted us out of their sector!
UHURA: Well, Captain, I, um, took a little emergency initiative.
KIRK: What did you tell them?
UHURA: I sent them a hyperwave broadcast of me dancing the bolero.
KIRK: Great, now we'll NEVER get rid of them! Prepare a landing party; Uhura, tell the aliens that we'll meet them on the object's surface to negotiate our release! Spock, Ensign Whatever-your-name-is, you two come with me! Chekov, tell Dr. McCoy to report to the transporter room ASAP.
KIRK: Delegates of the Python Empire! We come in peace! We have no wish to rip your little spaceship to shreds, to blast you into oblivion, to photorp you into oblivion, to...
SPOCK: All right, Jim, they get the idea!
ALIEN (points to MCCOY): Who's 'e? I didn't see the likes 'o 'im on your bridge!
KIRK: Dr. McCoy is our ship's surgeon. He's a physician.
MCCOY: Dammit, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a physician!
SPOCK: Doctor, kindly shut up.
MCCOY: Why you green-blooded, logical son of a ...
[SPOCK applies the Vulcan nerve pinch to MCCOY, who immediately collapses.]
F. ALIEN: Ooh, you didn't have to do that! I have this dead parrot on board that I'd like 'im to ...
ALIEN: Oh, do be quiet, Gladys. Now then, right, ahem... "In the name of the Most Great and Right Honourable Empire of Python, I hereby announce that we are royally ticked off at you humans for implying that we are a bunch of stupid gits! And seeing as how we have much bigger guns than you, we invoke our sacred right to blow you away with the Holy Disruptor of Antioch! Prepare to be wasted, human slime!"
KIRK: STOP! Now let's all calm down and be diplomatic here! We can't legally destroy your ship, you see ... we have this thing called the Prime Directive, which specifically forbids us from...
[The EXPENDABLE ENSIGN snickers. SPOCK gives him a good swift kick and he rapidly subsides, rubbing his shins in pain.]
...committing violence against other races. In other words, we can't actually fight you. It's really very simple...
KIRK:
KIRK: Bones, quick, fire up the emergency SOS message on your tricorder!
MCCOY: Dammit, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a disk jockey!
ALIEN: ...four, five...
ALIEN 2: Three!
ALIEN: ...three, two, one...
[A sudden, loud POP is heard. The ALIENS fall over as if shot (actually, they are shot). A ringing, resounding voice is heard - it is the COMPUTER, a giant machine cleverly disguised as an unknown planet orbiting Filkon 17.]
COMPUTER: There will be NO violence on this planet! I am sick and tired of you lesser races blowing things up! I have spent the last 33,278,461.8 years watching nothing but death and destruction all over the galaxy, and you humans are the worst marauders I have ever seen. I am the Computer - on this planet, I am the law. I myself will kill you - slowly. Do not try to radio your ship for help. You will all die!
KIRK: Bones, where is that voice coming from? What happened to the Pythoneans?
MCCOY: Tricorder says it came from under our feet! (runs his tricorder over the aliens) They're dead, Jim.
EXPENDABLE ENSIGN: The Computer's after us! This is it! We're all gonna die!
KIRK: Spock, kick him again, will you?
SPOCK: In my estimation, Captain, the ensign is correct - our chance of survival is approximately 1 in 432,998,169.
KIRK: Hmmm... Spock, for once, I think we can use your special talent. We've got about two days of food with us; will we get back to the ship in time?
SPOCK: Beats me.
MCCOY (acidly): Thank you, Doctor Cochrane.
KIRK: There's only one opening on the surface - that cave there. I say we go in, find this Computer, and blast the bejeezus out of it!
E. E.: But Captain, you said the Prime Directive... OW! [Another kick]
[ALL (except the aliens, of course) move to cave mouth.]
KIRK: Ok, ensign, it's your job to go explore that cave for us! We'll be right here at the entrance if you need us. Go for it!
E. E.: Why do we ensigns always get the dangerous jobs? It's not fair...
E.E.: Ok, ok, I'm going! [The ENSIGN disappears into the cave. We hear his voice from inside:] It's pretty dark in here, but I think I see a door! Yup, there's definitely a stairway in here! I'm starting down ... (long pause) AAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (rude slurping and crunching noises heard, then silence)
KIRK: Darn, we lose more ensigns that way.
SPOCK: In my estimation, Captain, the ensign has disarmed the surface defenses, and we may proceed.
[Exeunt into the cave. Cut to SCENE II. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY are standing in front of what appears to be a giant computer panel fixed in solid rock.]
MCCOY: I can't believe it, Jim - the tricorder says the machinery takes up the entire interior of the planet!
SPOCK: Shall I attempt to contact the computer, Captain? I can try a Vulcan mind meld with it.
MCCOY (wryly): A match made in heaven.
KIRK: Go ahead and try it, Mr. Spock. We have to speak with it.
SPOCK: Ok, here we go ... oooooooommmmmmmmmmmm [places his hands on the computer panel] I sense ... intense hatred ... The humans are evil. They must be destroyed. Humans evil ... must destroy. Humans Evil ... Must Destroy ... (very loudly) HUMANS EVIL! MUST DESTROY!!! (more softly) Vulcans aren't so bad, though.
KIRK: Bones, that's not the Computer; he's on an ego trip. Shoot him some happy juice.
MCCOY: With pleasure, Jim. [gives him a pressure syringe full of a noxious green liquid. SPOCK collapses.]
COMPUTER: Who dares violate the sanctity of the inner sanctum of the Computer?
KIRK: Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise! Release us at once, or we'll blow you into little bitty chunks of molten slag!
MCCOY (w/sarcasm): Way to be diplomatic, Jim.
COMPUTER: HA! I laugh at your pitiful threats! I will still revel over your tormented, suffering, emaciated bodies! HAHAHAHA!
KIRK: Right, time to try the old logic bomb approach. AHEM.... Computer! What is your prime directive?
COMPUTER: To preserve life.
KIRK: Yet you are going to kill us horribly! So you are actually destroying life! Therefore, you are in violation of your prime directive and must destroy yourself! Put that in your circuits and chew on it!
[The COMPUTER's lights flash. Sounds of intense gronking are heard. Suddenly, the COMPUTER speaks:]
COMPUTER: Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise! You are a member of the United Federation of Planets, correct?
KIRK: Hey, I'm supposed to be asking ... ok, yes I am.
COMPUTER: And the Federation has certain rules, among them a Prime Directive, correct? What IS that Prime Directive?
KIRK: Uhhhh... hold on, don't tell me! (KIRK starts to sweat) Uh, ummm... Oh right! To refrain from interfering with existing cultures and entities!
[SPOCK wakes up, looking hung over.]
COMPUTER: Affirmative. Yet you intend to destroy me. And you destroyed or corrupted the ruling entities of Gamma Trianguli VI, Triskelion, Omega IV, and Yonada! Therefore, Captain, I submit that YOU are in VIOLATION of your PRIME DIRECTIVE and MUST DESTROY YOURSELF!
KIRK:
MCCOY: (puts away his own phaser, which was aimed at KIRK) Spock, you want
to take a crack at ... PUT THAT PHASER DOWN! Do you want to try your luck
with the machine?
SPOCK: (sheepishly) Sorry. Ok, Computer! What is the bitwise OR of the
hexadecimal value 2B and its bitwise inverse?
COMPUTER: Processing...
SPOCK: Sensors indicate contact with the Enterprise has been reestablished.
KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise! Transporter room, three to beam up immediately!
TRANSPORTER CHIEF: Lost another one, eh?
KIRK: Shut up and energize!
KIRK: Well, gang, we trashed another computer. I'm going to bed. Mr.
Spock, you have the con.
SPOCK: But Captain, that planet's going to blow! We've got to get out of
orbit now! I estimate approximately thirty seconds to massive explosion.
KIRK: Oh, right! Sulu, get us out of orbit. Ahead warp 6. Lieutenant
Uhura, send a full report to Starfleet Command. Doctor, get me a large cup of
coffee!
SULU: Captain, the controls don't respond! I have no power!
KIRK: What the... ? Engineering! MR. SCOTT!!!!! Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot,
Over? Where are our main engines?
[over the intercomm, we hear MR. SCOTT]
MR. SCOTT: Captain, can you wait a few hours? Since I did have the
con, I thought now would be an excellent time to strip and remount the second
stage magnatomic flux chillers...
EXPENDABLE ENSIGN #2: Oh no! This is it! We're all going to die!
MCCOY (disgustedly): And they wonder why we lose so many of them.
SPOCK: Captain, I estimate our chances of survival to be approximately one
in 247,442,182,291.6. We will be blown directly into the sun of the Filkon
system. Any suggestions?
KIRK: I ... I ... Oh Lord, I DON'T KNOW!
[The crew is stunned. Could their valiant captain finally be losing it? A
funereal silence falls.]
SPOCK: Oblivion in ten...
nine...
eight...
seven...
six...
MCCOY: Jim! Do SOMETHING!
SPOCK: four...
three...
two...
one...
[The lights dim. All the usual ship noises stop. A man in a three piece suit
with an attache case walks on. He is the ATTORNEY - or is he?]
ATTORNEY: Captain, I represent the estate of the late Mr. Gene Roddenberry.
As the estate's attorney, I insist you cease and desist from this
sacreligious parody of Mr. Roddenberry's work. We are prepared to sue.
KIRK: What? I'm not dead? Who the hell are you? Get off my bridge, or
I'll throw you in the brig! [draws his phaser]
ATTORNEY (laughing evilly): I'm sorry, Captain, I'm afraid your little toys
don't work anymore. I've enjoined the writers from continuing this script.
That wasn't Scotty on the speaker - it was me. How do you think you got into
this mess?
KIRK: Look you, I don't know who you are or how you got here, but I am NOT
going to be blown to bits to satisfy some alien's idea of a legal system! I
didn't take this from the Organians; I didn't take it from that fool on
Gothos, and I sure as hell won't take it from you!
ATTORNEY: But you see, Captain - or should I say, William Shatner! (evil
laugh) - [3 MORE LAWYERS appear behind him] you've forgotten one essential
point. You don't exist...
ATTORNEY:
SPOCK: Wait! I've got it! If I just reverse the matter converters, angle us
to the star like so... (bends over controls)
KIRK (with newfound confidence): Everybody strap in! Red Alert! Spock, this
better work, or I'll...
SPOCK: Mr. Sulu, go to warp ten on my command ... NOW!
[blinding light, explosion. Ship is rocked about. Sounds of warp engines
pushing max-Q are heard. Various alarms, smoke, flashin lights etc.
Suddenly all is quiet. Viewscreen reveals a normal (?) starfield.]
MR. SCOTT (over comm): Captain, me engines won't take another of whatever
you just did! Now we will have to remount the flux chillers!
SPOCK: Captain, I believe we are still alive.
MCCOY: (dusting himself off) No thanks to you, you green-blooded fugghead!
All that thrashing about nearly cracked my skull!
KIRK: Not now, doctor. Uhura, send a general distress signal. Sulu, where
are we?
SULU: Calculating our new position... Captain, the computer doesn't
recognize the stars. It says they've ... moved!
SPOCK: Mr. Sulu, recalculate the stars' positions for t+120 standard solar
years.
SULU: Computer says ... (awed) Filkon system.
KIRK: Oh no! Spock, don't tell me you've sent us through time again! I had
an awful headache the day after the last time we did that!
CHEKOV: He had a headache? HE had a headache?
MCCOY: Jim, As your doctor, I assure you that your headache had nothing to
do with time travel. It was that pretty cetologist and her spiked heels...
(KIRK blushes)
UHURA: Captain, a vessel is answering our distress call.
KIRK: On screen!
[The view screen flips to a familiar scene on board the Enterprise bridge.
Yes, the Enterprise. The signal is being answered all right - by CAPTAIN
JEAN-LUC PICARD.]
PICARD: Unknown vessel, this is the Starship Enterprise. We have received
your distress signal and are on course to intercept. Have you any casualties?
(KIRK faints)
MCCOY: We have one now.
PICARD: Wait, aren't you ... Dr. McCoy? But you're...
MCCOY: 170-plus years old, thanks to Mr. Spock here. And glad to say I'm
not showing my age.
SULU: Sensors detect a vessel matching course with us. Lowering shields to
accept transporter transmissions.
PICARD: Number One, lead the away team. Lieutenant Worf, Geordi, Data,
Doctor, you go with them. Wesley! Where do you think you're going?
WESLEY (off screen): Awww, but captain...
PICARD: Transporter room! Three to beam directly from the bridge onto the
damaged vessel. Lock onto their communicators... energize.
[Enter WORF, DATA, and GEORDI, followed by RIKER and DR. CRUSHER.]
KIRK: (waking up) AAAA! Aliens! Monsters! Klingons! Help! (faints
again)
RIKER: Uh, Deanna, please join me over here. It looks like we've got a
serious trauma case.
[Enter COUNSELOR TROI. She crosses to KIRK, who opens his eyes.]
TROI: I sense ... fear, confusion. Captain, we're here to help you. We're
not going to ... [KIRK grins wolfishly. TROI puts both hands to her temples.]
Hey, now stop thinking that! You beast! [slaps him]
RIKER: Deanna! Sorry, Captain. Betazoids are easily offended. Trust me,
I know. [rubbing his own face]
MCCOY: Get away, I'll help him. Here Jim, you need a syringe of
polyamphetamine...
DR. CRUSHER: Oh no you don't! I won't have you assaulting my patient with
your primitive medicine!
WORF: Shall I restrain him for you? (sadistic grin)
CHEKOV: You try it and I'll phase that grin right off your face!
SULU: Pavel, calm down! Now just let me see if Mr. Scott's done with the
engines and we'll get out of here!
GEORDI: Stop! Can't you see there are severe structural flaws in the ship's
hull? Whoops, I guess you can't. Well, tell your Mr. Scott to lay off this
pile of junk until my engineers can get here.
MR. SCOTT (charging through turbolift doors): Junk!!!?!?!? Why, I'll rip
those silly glasses off your... [WORF restrains him]
DATA: Commander, I believe repairs to this vessel will take approximately 23
hours, 13 minutes, and 56 seconds. We should set up a temporary command
post.
SPOCK: Excuse me, but that would be 57 seconds.
DATA: 57 seconds? Are you implying that my algorithm is faulty?
[ALL start arguing. Finally, KIRK gets to his feet.]
KIRK: Ok, EVERYONE SHUT UP! Now just who do you people think you are
barging onto my bridge?
RIKER: Why Captain! We're just being our usual helpful selves! Tell 'em,
Deanna...
DATA:
DR. CRUSHER:
TROI:
RIKER:
WESLEY: Awwww, Commander, pleeeeease?
RIKER: Out! [WESLEY leaves.]
KIRK: Well, I can see things haven't changed that much. But can we PLEASE
get out of here? Spock?
SPOCK: Captain, I believe our dilithium crystals have decomposed due to the
energy requirements of the temporal distortion.
GEORDI: Boy, you sure have an inefficient warp drive. What a dilithium
guzzler! [grumbling from MR. SCOTT]
KIRK: Where around here can we get some dilithium?
RIKER: We can run to the nearest starbase and get some.
DATA: Projected time for retrieval is approximately 2 weeks, 6 days, and 23
hours.
GEORDI: We could always just rip the hull up for spare parts.
DR. CRUSHER: If I have to leave my patient with this charlatan, I'll never
get over the guilt! [MCCOY gets mad]
WORF: I can always restrain him for you, Doctor.
TROI (pointedly, to KIRK): I don't think I can take the vibes around here
much longer.
KIRK: Three weeks! If today is any indication, we'll have killed each other
by then! We've got to get back to our century now!
[Suddenly, a loud (POP!) is heard. Enter THE ATTORNEY.]
KIRK: AAAA! He's back! (faints again)
MCCOY: No! You're dead... We killed you!
ATTORNEY: Sorry, Doctor - wrong movie! Bonjour, mon capitan! I see you
have received my little, shall we say, present!
[At this point, it should be obvious to anyone who has been paying attention
that the ATTORNEY is really a disguised Q. But, for all those who didn't
pick up on it:]
PICARD: Q! I should have known this was your doing! End this!
Q: Ah, ah, ah, temper temper. [snaps his fingers. PICARD falls backwards
into the con chair] Captain, I was just having a little fun!
KIRK (recovering): You mean, you're not an attorney?
PICARD: Trust me, he can be a very effective attorney - for the prosecution.
Q, give this poor crew back their dilithium and send them home.
SPOCK: Am I to understand that this 'Q' impersonated a lawyer to send us
into the future to annoy you?
MR. SCOTT: That's preposterous! How could anyone do that? Even I
cannot change the laws of physics!
Q: Tut, tut, Mr. Scott. There's really nothing to it. It's just a little
trick we cosmically omnipotent entities picked up along the evolutionary
way... [snaps his fingers. Enter three CHIMNEY SWEEPS.]
SPOCK: Fascinating ... but stupid.
CHEKOV (whimpering): I want my mommy...
Q: Ok, ok, I'm feeling sporting. I'll pop out and give you precisely thirty
seconds to think of a reason why I shouldn't leave you all stranded here.
Ready? Go! [Another (POP!) Exit.]
KIRK: I don't like this fellow one bit. Captain Picard, is he omniscient as
well as omnipotent?
PICARD: So far as I know. I think you're, ah, doomed.
SULU: Wait! I've got it! I know a law so high, even a superbeing can't
violate it!
SPOCK: The law of gravity?
SULU: Noooo....
KIRK: The law of authority?
SULU: Nope.
UHURA: Love?
SULU: Not even close.
WORF: The law of arms?
SULU: Uh-uh.
WESLEY: I've know! I know! The Law of Sequels! Why didn't I think of
that?
SULU: Right! You're pretty smart, kid.
WESLEY: Kid? I've never been so insulted in my life! Mom, tell him off!
TNG CREW: Wesley, SHUT UP!
SULU: Ok, captains, let me handle this.
[Another (POP!) Q reappears.]
Q: Ok. Any reason I shouldn't leave you all stuck 120 years in the future?
This I've got to hear!
SULU: It's really quite simple. The laws of nature say we have a right to
at least three sequels. If you leave us here, we can't get home to make those
sequels. So, if you think you can overrule the Iron Law of Sequels without
pissing off billions of fans, I'd like to see you try it!
Q: AARGH! Curses! Foiled again! Ok, ok, you win! You can go home and make
your stupid sequels. But I WILL have my revenge! Oh, you'll get your sequels
all right. But just see if they let you direct! You haven't heard the last
of Q! Au revoir, mon capitan! It has been a pleasure once again to cross
swords with you... [(POP!) exit.]
KIRK: I think we're going now. Captain Picard, thanks for your help. It's
nice to know the Federation hasn't lost it, er, won't lose it, in a
hundred years.
[Exit TNG CREW.]
PICARD (wryly): Don't be so sure, Captain. Mr. Crusher, lay in a course for
Starbase 269.
WESLEY: Already laid in, sir.
PICARD: Smartass brat. Engage!
[View screen off. Change in lighting or other subtle shift.]
SULU: Captain, instruments indicate we've returned to our own time. And
safely away from Filkon to boot.
KIRK: Too bad he didn't return us to the nearest starbase.
Q (offstage): Don't push your luck, Kirk.
KIRK: Right. Forget I said that... Sulu, recalibrate the ship's chronometer
to the nearest starbase time signal.
MCCOY: I ... Need... Shore leave.
KIRK: As do we all. Suggestions?
UHURA: I know this great little planet in the Argo system. If we play it
cool, they may even let us beam down. What does everyone say?
ALL: YEA! (general clapping and screaming)
KIRK: Sulu, quick thinking back there. The Law of Sequels ... almost a good
a trick as my corbomite bluff.
SULU: Trick? But captain, I was dead serious. And I don't care what Q
said: I will direct! Think of the fans! Think of the glory! Think of the
merchandising! It'll be great! I can see it now:
"Star Trek: The Musical! II" And III! And IV! Why, we could go on
forever...
[CHORUS]
[CHORUS]
[CHORUS]
"How I Work the Ship" - Beats me. Old Scottish folksong
"We're Off to Meet the Aliens"- "We're off to See the Wizard" (Wizard of
Oz)
"Directives" - "Tradition" (Fiddler on the Roof)
"The Ensign's Blues" - "The Dance of the Hours"
"Trek Rhapsody" - "Bohemian Rhapsody" (Queen)
"Superhyperspatialvortexplasmacondensation" - "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" (Mary Poppins)
"Filming Sequels" - "Banned from Argo" (Leslie Fish)
KIRK: Let's get out of here! It's going to blow!ACT III - The Voyage Home ... and Back
[Back on the bridge of the Enterprise. KIRK staggers out of the turbolift
looking utterly drained. SPOCK runs in behind him, followed by MCCOY. All
the normal crewmembers from Act I are present, except of course for the
EXPENDABLE ENSIGN, who has been replaced.]SONG: TREK RHAPSODY
ALL 4:
ATTORNEY:
KIRK:
ALL 4:
ATTORNEY:
ALL 4:
KIRK:
SULU:
ATTORNEY:
KIRK:
SPOCK:
CREW:
ALL 4:
KIRK:
CREW:
ATTORNEY:
KIRK:
CREW:
ALL 4:
KIRK:
CREW:
ALL 4:
KIRK:
CREW:
ALL 4:
KIRK:
CREW:
KIRK:
ALL 4:
KIRK:
[KIRK takes out his phaser and fires on the ATTORNEY, who falls down. In the
best of all possible worlds, this would coincide with the musical climax.
During the long interval before the last lines, the ship's systems come back
on gradually, to much cheering from the crew. Meanwhile, the 4 ATTORNEYS
fall and die.]
KIRK: Whew, thank God! Ensign, get those bodies out of here! Spock, the
script is likely to resume any minute, and then Filkon will fry us! What do
we do?SONG: A MODEL STARFLEET OFFICER (REPRISE)
TROI:
WORF:
TNG CREW:
KIRK (spoken): Ah, a man after my own heart!
TNG CREW:
SPOCK (spoken): Don't worry, you're not missing much.
TNG CREW:
MCCOY (spoken): Hmmm... I wonder what she'd think of MY bedside manner?
TNG CREW:
GEORDI:
TNG CREW:
UHURA (spoken): You can map MY curves anytime!
TNG CREW:
PICARD (on view screen):
TNG CREW:
WESLEY (who has just snuck in):
TNG CREW:
RIKER: Wesley! Get off the bridge and back to the Enterprise now! No wait,
I mean the other Enterprise! Oh, you know... beat it!SONG: SUPERHYPERSPATIALVORTEXPLASMACONDENSATION
CHIMNEY SWEEPS:
Q:
Q:
Q:
[Exeunt CHIMNEY SWEEPS.]SONG: FILMING SEQUELS
ALL:
KIRK:
SPOCK:
MCCOY:
MR. SCOTT:
UHURA:
CHEKOV:
ALL:
-- FIN --
APPENDIX: SCANS FOR VARIOUS TUNES
"A Modern Starfleet Officer" - "A Modern Major-General" (vaguely) (Gilbert
and Sullivan)